Confessions of a Journey of Faith Bride....

When people use the word faith, everyone instinctively just nods their head as though they understand what you are talking about....as though they truly "get it."
When we felt the Lord nudging our hearts to move we had no idea how this journey would all play out, where we would end up, or the path the Lord would pave before us to get us here.

When you look up the word Faith you may get many definitions and a few I stumbled across were:

Faith (noun)- Firm belief in something for which there is no proof: complete trust. Strong belief or trust in someone or something.

What some would call "faith", I proclaimed as crazy....

Crazy (adjective)-Full of cracks or flaws: unsound. being out of the ordinary: unusual

Yep...this plan, this unavoidable urge that began above a sink full of dirty dishes....this wasn't faith, this was most certainly crazy.
But in the midst of the crazy we found the faith to move mountains.

Grab a snack, get yourself a cup of whatever and put your feet up......this promises to be awesome!

In just a month and a half we went from a nudge in our hearts to full fledged crazy faith.....quitting jobs, packing up our home-the only home our babies have known, saying heart wrenching good byes, bidding farewell to a church we prayed constantly for during the first three years of our marriage, and trekked back to a place neither of us have ever wanted to live...and I was certain I would never call home again.
Hello Florida!!!!

This journey was hands down the worst trip ever! Literally just a few short minutes into our trip a crate fell over on Bella and Ezra leaving them covered in canned goods and broken glass. Panicked, I pulled over to the side of the road to rescue my screaming baby and terrified dog from a bloody disaster I just knew was bound to result. After tossing things on the side of the road and insuring I had every broken piece of glass cleaned up I safely buckled myself up and prepared to meet my beloved at the gas station where he was patiently waiting for me.....only to discover the torrential rains from the past two days (that only seemed to appear when we tried to load the moving truck) had softened my patch of grass into a slight mud pit and I was officially stuck in the ditch......most certainly waiting to just roll over because I just knew the van was slowly tilting into disaster.
But!
But the Lord knew...
Waiting at the gas station was also a stranger with a sensitive heart....and a massive truck...that just happened to have a tow strap thing (think Jurassic Park where the big guy gets stuck in the rain and wraps the wire thing around a tree to help himself out before all the creepy dinosaurs spit poison in his eyes.....that thing!!). This gentleman came to my rescue and pulled us out of the muddy ditch....not to mention best friends hubby coming to make sure I was okay (hero!).

 

Sweet Freedom.....and we were back on the road :)

I will save you from the dreadful details of how a simple 7 hour trip took us a mind numbing 17 HOURS!!! I never want to repeat it....seriously!
But!

Just for you Best Friend!!!

We made it!! Only to literally drive into another mishap of this journey....by this point there was literally only two options....cry or laugh....usually I cry, its true...we all know it. However, we chose to laugh because only the Lord could orchestrate the insanity headed our way over the next couple hours.
When we reserved our Uhaul truck we also reserved our storage unit....I called a week in advance to make sure everything was lined up and exactly what we had asked for, I even spoke to the manager to save myself a sure fire headache when we arrived. Sure enough, we get here and the storage unit we reserved doesn't even exist!! Are you kidding me?! After going over everything with the manager all he had to say was...."well, what do you want me to do? We got you a unit". Yes sir, you sure did.....after you had to put us in an inside unit-which we specifically didn't want, and charged us after hours fees-which were supposed to come with the rental and was why we chose your place over all the other ones. If that wasn't bad enough the workers were so rude, kept telling us two different things, and the lot was so small it would only lead to more disasters.
 After Grant was told to maneuver the truck out of the way so people could pass by he had to try and get around all of the other trucks parked all over the lot and he accidently ran into another truck.....I died! I seriously think I stopped living in that moment! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! All I could think is "you are physically hitting another Uhaul truck in this moment.....I mean, truck against now jacked up car tow dolly thing...and there is no turning back because the truck physically cant fit through the tiny space in which they told you you had to go" Dead, I am dying!
But!
But the Lord knew.....there is a reason you marry a man who doesn't skimp on insurance! The entire episode was covered (by episode I totally mean BILL). This is also the reason the Lord blessed me with the calmest man that must exist on the face of the planet!! He literally got out of the truck, inspected his path, and trekked on until the truck was where it needed to go and never said anything....I am not even sure he blinked...meanwhile they were busy resuscitating me.
By now we just had to take a day to recover....but we so don't roll that way so we got to searching for a place to live. Grant had a couple job interviews to get to and I had been in touch with a place to live. We had been praying the Lord would provide both a job and a place to live in the first two weeks.....mainly so as to not inconvenience family, we didn't want to endure transitioning the boys to another house, and with a job soon we wouldn't miss out on too many checks for financial reasons.
But!
But the Lord knew....Grant was offered two different jobs in the first few days, and we were anxiously waiting to hear back from the place to live. After praying and weighing the pros and cons of each job Grant went with the job that was similar to what he was previously doing....huge PRAISE!! Within minutes of getting the call that Grant could start work on Tuesday the phone rang and we found out we also got the place to rent we were hoping for. Only about 15 minutes from Grants new job, it was on the opposite side of town we were thinking we wanted to be but fit everything else we were praying for :)

Seriously...by this point I have no words to describe the amount of detail the Lord has instilled in every step of this journey.....the little bumps to the massive praises and all the in between that I didn't even share.
No one else could have orchestrated things in such a beautiful way that through every single trial we have faced on this journey the end result was something bigger and better than we could have planned for ourselves. More than I even dared to imagine for us.

There is something so priceless about knowing you are doing exactly what the Lord asked of you even though it may not make sense to anyone else....even to other believers.
I remember Grant and I talking about those that stepped out in faith in the bible before this move, mostly because I was panicking haha, and I remember mentioning Abraham....he just went, he didn't even know where he was going! All he received was the word to "Go" and he went....no "so God, I have been traveling for a bit now you think you may clue a dude into whats up ahead" or "umm....I passed Go a few miles back...should I be collecting that $200 now"....seriously, nothing. I am so thankful for a direction....we knew exactly where the road would lead and we knew it wouldn't be a lonesome journey.
I must admit that now that we are here I have anxiously been asking "now what?" I have no answer for that as of yet I just know that this is where we are for now....I don't know how long "now" is, but I know I want to soak up all that the Lord has for us in this moment.

What some would call "faith", I proclaimed as crazy.....

And this journey is crazy...it is full of cracks and flaws and far from the ordinary but with complete trust in the Lord to guide us we found an even deeper faith, a faith I didn't know I possessed. A faith that moved mountains when we only saw obstacles, a faith that proved to us that God has got this every step of the way, a faith that reminds us He knows our hearts better than we do.

A crazy faith.....and I couldn't imagine it being any other way :)

Confessions of an observant Bride....

I see you.

You think I am just your cashier, that I am mindlessly scanning your items and bagging them like I did the person before you.

But, I see you.

I noticed when you looked around before placing your items on the belt, how you laid things on top of the item you hoped no one noticed...you hoped I wouldn't notice.

I noticed you never met my eyes, how your smile wasn't genuine. I saw the slight tremble of your hand as you handed your cash over. Cash to pay for your purchase. Cash to pay for your morning after pill.

I see you.

The dirty, and tattered clothes a size too small. I see your hair hasn't been brushed, and your nails haven't been cleaned. I  notice how you chatter non stop as though I am the first person to speak a kind word to you all day. I noticed when your guardian told you to shut up, how you shrank into the cart as though you thought you may be able to disappear. How the light dimmed a little in your eyes and you no longer wanted to chat.

I see you.

I see you when you slowly place your items in my hands and I can see your mind working quickly. You place the diapers, wipes, and baby food first knowing those are the items that are for your little ones. I see you shyly swipe your card praying no one notices you had to use "government money" to help feed your growing family. I heard you when you said you wouldn't be getting those last three food items.....I understood the real reason why. I tried to communicate with my eyes that I understood....but you refused to meet mine.

I see you.

He sees you too.

 "You always think I'm somewhere on a mountain top
But never think behind bars
You'd be amazed the places that I'd go to be with you
Where you are

So forget what you've heard
What you think that you know
There's a lot about me
That's never been told

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Rumor has it there's a gavel in my hand
I'm only here to condemn
But let me tell you secrets you would've never known
I think of you as my best friend

So much has been said
Even done in my name
But I'm showing you now
Who I really am

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Let me open your eyes to see the heart of me, differently
Come closer than you've ever been
Let me in like never before
Bring me every broken part
The wounds and scars of who you are
And hide in me and you will see

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am"
MORE THAN YOU THINK I AM
Danny Gokey

Confessions of an unsettled bride

There He was....kneeling in the garden. Alone. As He prayed, drops of blood poured from His brow and landed in the quiet of night. He knew the others had quietly slipped into a slumber. He heard nothing and yet felt everything.....everything this one decision would soon bring upon Him. "Father if you are willing, let this cup pass from me, yet not my will, but yours be done" 

In the midst of everything He knew was coming Jesus still had the heart to say "not my will, but yours be done".

Sometimes it is so hard to distinguish the plan The Lord has for your life, and other times it is staring you right in the face. As my mom would say "if it was a snake it would have bitten you".

Grant and I have been earnestly praying for weeks now that The Lord would give us direction....would open doors to allow us to move forward and close doors that would hinder that movement if it wasn't what The Lord has prepared for our family. It seems as though more and more doors are closing lately and we have been left to wonder what exactly The Lord is doing in our lives. What direction and path He has prepared for us. We have had many wise believers pour into our lives over the last few weeks, countless conversations, buckets of tears, wisdom beyond our understanding lavishly and lovingly shared in hopes to ease our troubled hearts......and still nothing. It almost seems as if The Lord is no longer listening...almost. What a mighty God we serve that even in the darkest of valleys and scariest of uncertainties, where it not only concerns you but the lives you have been blessed and entrusted with, The Lord shows His heart. 

I have no idea why The Lord has us in this place...but I do know He wants us to trust Him.

Oh....trust...how I loathe you and yet cling to you as though you were all I have left...you are all that we have left. We know The Lord promises to guide us and keep us but not knowing where or how is so so scary. 

My heart has been so unsettled lately....almost to the point of making me physically ill. I have prayed, cried, begged, and prayed some more that The Lord would help me to trust His plan even if it isn't the plan I am expecting. I don't want to miss what The Lord is doing for us and in us....even though it hurts right now, even though it is scary, even though the end result may not be quite what we had in mind. 

My prayers usually find their way in music and a song that has continually come to my heart and been sung from my lips is "Settle Me Now" by Charles Billingsley

I find myself so far ahead of you

My minds racing when I think about all I could do for you

Anticipating

What's beyond the door that leads to tomorrow 

Oh my heart is weary, and I feel so uneasy

Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment 

You've got so much to show me 

And I know, I know i need you

Settle me now- oh Lord please draw me closer

Let me feel your presence 

Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow 

Oh, settle me now

So here I am longing to know your will

And I keep praying I know you know it's hard to be still 

But my heart keeps waiting

You'd think by now I would've learned to just trust you

Oh, but I've been so busy, that's why I'm so uneasy 

So many times I have appeared to be the strong one

When deep inside I wanted to run and hide

And Lord I've always looked to you for all the answers 

But it seems today I've got a fragile faith

Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment

You've got so much to show me 

And I know, I know I need you

Settle me now-oh Lord please draw me closer 

Let me feel your presence

Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow

Oh, settle me now

Love this! How desperately my heart needs to just settle, even in the midst of knowing the Lord will take care of us the fear of not knowing HOW threatens to overwhelm me. 

How precious to the Father is it to hear His children say "not my will Father, but yours be done".....

Please if you think of us lift us up in your prayers.....mostly for wisdom and tenderness. Wisdom that Grant would know the direction The Lord is leading, to be willing to push on cracked doors and walk away from closed ones. For our financial situation....that The Lord will bless us enough to keep us above the red until He shows us where and what to do that will be best for our family, and the most important, tenderness....to be okay with that direction even if it differs from what we have in our own minds and hearts. That we will feel the prodding of our Fathers hand leading us and that we will be sensitive to the needs of our little guys during this.....a stressed mommy has not made for the most loving mommy in certain moments. We covet your prayers and thank you for loving our little family. 

Confessions of a lame blogging bride...

Once again my dear sweet friend we meet.....after many months, and many many changes. 

As you may have noticed I truly do stink at keeping this thing updated....I try...I do, and yet somehow life seems to just get too busy.

Life is too busy for blogging, for dishes, for laundry, for painting my nails.... In fact, an exact conversation I had with my beloved this evening went a little something like this.

Me-"ugh! I didn't get anything I wanted to accomplish done today"

Him-"like what?"

Me-"my nails"

Bah! True story....and I don't even know why I was "busy".

Do you ever stop for just a second to wonder what keeps you so busy? I know sparing a second could quite possibly through your entire day into turmoil but seriously....

As a mother of two young boys I find myself saying that so often, "I'm busy".

But the truth of the matter most days, and especially lately, it's not so much a physical busy as it is another kind of busy.

I love that verse that talks about "be still and know that I am God"......KNOW...it is so much deeper than you tend to grasp when you skip over it in Sunday school "because they always say that kind of stuff".

It's a tangible, up close and personal, in your face, kind of knowing. And the only way you get there....is by being still. Physically yes, but when was the last time we allowed not only our bodies but our minds and hearts to be still? Not the cliche take a moment and just focus on what The Lord would have you do....but a stop everything, hold the phone, let me focus (girl! Get on up in that prayer closet), kind of being still! 

Confessions of a grieving bride....

It's been a while and so much has happened in what seems like mere moments....
I last posted a thankful speech, I spent time reliving that post for what seemed like hours and was in fact just a few minutes of time.
Crazy how life can change so much and so unexpectedly. I am still so overly thankful, and these days I cherish each and every moment just a little bit more.
Most already know my father passed away unexpectedly in February.
You often times hear of those gut wrenching, heart stopping, life altering moments you never want to experience and now I have one of my own. My mom took him to the hospital thinking he had the flu and he never came home. I got a call from my mom 2.5 weeks later asking me to come home. We got there on a Thursday morning and expected to stay until we got results from a biopsy the hospital had scheduled. On Friday afternoon my mom and I sat down with a doctor so he could give us an update and all I hear now is "you father has days"....all I remember is repeating over and over "days? what do you mean days? days? are you sure?" and the doctor replying with "I am off tomorrow, I will be back Sunday and I hope your father is still here".
I couldn't even cry....surely this "educated man" has no idea what he is talking about.
This is my dad, the man with the best navy stories, the man who named me, the man who sat on the very edge of his bed reading his bible for hours, who stayed up all hours of the night playing video games, who watched the Superbowl with me, who rocked his legs until it drove everyone else nuts, who could be heard snoring all the way down the street, who combed his little strips of hair over and refused to cut them off, who cracked up in the middle of his stories until he broke into a coughing spell. Surely he can't be talking about the man who watched me graduate high school, the man who walked me down the aisle, the man who held my first born son...just one time, the man who was only blessed to see my little boy on three different occasions.....this doctor, this man sitting across from me had to be wrong. And yet, I knew deep in my heart that he wasn't....I somehow knew the moment my mom called to tell me they admitted my father that the news would not be good...I never expected it to be down right devastating.
We had two short days, Thursday when I arrived and Friday when I went to visit him. Saturday morning we arrived at the hospital to find he was sedated and had to be placed on a breathing machine in the night to keep him alive. Monday afternoon he passed away.
Most say time heals all wounds but I don't think that is true, I think some are left open and tender to make you remember.
I  know the logical believer in me tries to dwell on the fact that scripture says "our life is a vapor and we are not promised tomorrow", and how true those very words are. Yet the broken heart inside me screams "though I am not promised tomorrow it is now a guarantee for my dad". How a broken heart screams against logic when it is aching and shattered.
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my father is in heaven, he is not floating around on a newly earned pair of angel wings, but he is rejoicing with the King of Kings. He has seen the Savior of the world face to face. He has been welcomed home with nail pierced hands and eyes that burn like fire.
It's so hard to think that of my siblings I was the one that left home and had such little time with him these past four years, to think he will never spend the same amount of time with my kids as he did with my nieces and nephews, he will never meet my future children and get to share his stories with them on this side of glory.
It's hard to find a balance when your heart is shattered and yet you know with absolute certainty that the person whom you loved is in a better place. I am so thankful that I have a Comforter in the Holy Spirit and that He draws near to the broken hearted.
My father was an extraordinary man and I only wish that I had more time to spend with him.  I am so thankful for the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father for restoring our relationship when I was 14 and making every moment I had with him sweeter than the last. I am so thankful he was able to see me graduate, to walk me down the aisle, and to hold my first born son.
If you knew my father...you are blessed....you may not see it that way because he could be kind of quirky...but trust me, you are blessed beyond measure.


I guess all of this was spurred on because I heard Laura Story's song "Blessings" on the way home from the store. If you know me at all you know my love for music.....how sweet the words were this evening as I sat in a parking lot and cried while my son slept soundly in the seat behind me.

                                                       "Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

                                      One out of two pics I have of my dad holding Isaiah

                                      My dad and I when I graduated from Word of Life

Confessions of a thankful bride...

Oh man how time flies! I keep meaning to get on and update my days but I have just been down right exhausted! Ya'll are just so very patient :)

Day 8:

I am thankful for family! They are crazy and hard headed and stressful but they are mine! And I love them all so so so much!! Even though growing up in my family was and still is a struggle I am thankful the Lord has blessed me with people who love me unconditionally no matter what. We have always had our ups and downs and there is more than one reason we live a little more than a few miles away but I am so grateful the Lord has given me the family that He has. Without them I would not be where I am today and I would not be the person that I am today. I miss them desperately and can't wait to see some of them soon!!! 

I am thankful for my adopted family as well......Grant's side of the clan!! Love Love Love them. I always prayed the Lord would bless me with a husband whose family made me feel as though I have always belonged and needless to say I have the best in law family EVER! (not really sure if that is the best way to put it haha but it's all i could come up with so im sure you get it). I am so thankful for their love and support and for embracing me in spite of myself :) I miss them so much and can't wait until the Lord brings us back together, and I get a brand new sister in law!! Yea :) 

Day 9:

I am thankful for friends! For Best friends! For I haven't spoken to you in 6 months but it's still just like yesterday friends! I only have a handful of these friends but they are the friends I will sit on my porch with when we are silver haired and have countless grand babies and talk about the good ol days. They are the ladies who have held me accountable through thick and thin and who have heard all the horrible stories that have shaped me into me and still love me regardless. :)

I am thankful for the new friends the Lord is allowing me to cross paths with. I have no idea how long the Lord will allow us to fellowship and grow together but I have been so blessed by the sweet time we have had already. 

And finally I am thankful for the friends who no longer carry that title. The friends that used to retain the word  "best" before it, who were always the first to know, and who i could always count on. It breaks my heart a little to remember the times we had together and the fact that you are no longer the person I once knew. I am so overly thankful for the times we shared and the memories we made. I pray for you and I pray the Lord would bring us back together but I know the Lord has carried us apart for a reason as well. I pray you make the right decisions, I pray you will continue to grow into the person I always knew you could be, I pray you never give up and more than anything I pray you know how much I miss you. 

Day 10:

Today I am thankful for rest. I know this may seem silly with the vast array of things I have to be thankful for but I knew this morning the moment I woke up that rest is what I have to be thankful for today. As a mom I have come to live off mere hours of sleep broken by the cries of my sweet or the fear he may have stopped breathing (yes even at 9 months I still fear this), and i wont even begin to mention how many times I wake in the night to refill my cup of water because my mouth has obviously forgotten how to produce saliva. 

Rest is something that I used to take for granted, heck i never even thought about it until I became a mom. If i was tired I would sleep, simple as that. Now there is always just one more thing that needs to get done before I can sit down and put my feet up, or lay down and go to sleep at night. 

I am so thankful the Lord has continually mentioned the rest we so desperately need. I am thankful He has shown us through His word just how weary we can become when we go a million miles a minute. How precious just a few moments of quiet can be and how important it is to refresh not only our spirit but our thoughts, mind, and body as well. 

PS. An extra thankful moment for today: I am thankful for 9 months with our little munchkin! Happy 9 months Isaiah!! 

Confessions of a thankful bride....

Day 7:

I am beyond thankful that the Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to be a stay at home ball of awesome!! Trophy Wife and Supermom extraordinaire!

Baha if you know me at all you know how far from the truth that is (in fact i am such an awesome mom that I have more than once just today had to pluck out dead lady bugs from my little's mouth.....yep cant say that wins me any mom of the year awards lol) .

But on a serious note: I love hanging out with my "arrow" all day long! I want so desperately to have my actions lead him to the cross. I know that he does not understand just yet but one day he will and I pray fervently that when he looks back he will not see me but would see the cross of Christ.

Each day the way I respond when I am frustrated, tired, or just plain over whelmed is a big deal, maybe not to him but it should be to me. Am I choosing to respond to him the way Christ responds to me? When he is begging at my feet, or pulling on my clothes, or demanding my attention do I lovingly stop what I am doing and give him my undivided attention every time or do I respond in impatience?
I must admit I don't win that battle as often as I would like but what a wonderful perspective! Our Heavenly Father never ever turns away from us, His children. We as sons and daughters of the King always without fail have His undivided attention, oh what a glorious day it will be when we would desire more and more of it.

Isaiah has such a sweet spirit and it still completely overwhelms me the fact the Lord has chosen us to guide him and train him.  I am so blessed and thankful the Lord has answered this desire of my heart and allows me to spend my days with him.

I am thankful that I am able to be at home when Grant comes in from a long day at work. That I no longer have to work 60 hours a week at 2 different jobs while he sits at home alone writing papers or studying. I am thankful that I can now be the sounding board for him when has had a stressful day rather than it being the other way around.
I love being home for my boys and I understand that for so many out there being a stay at home wife and mom isn't a possibility so I truly am overly thankful to be blessed with this opportunity.

UGH!! This picture melts my heart! See what I mean about being overly blessed?! When your boys are as fantastic as mine it's hard to ever stop gushing about them lol. Thank You Daddy for allowing me to be a part of this incredible journey :)

Confessions of a thankful bride

Day 6:
I am thankful that only the Lord who is sovereign raises up kings!

I know today isn't about choosing a king but it is about letting our voice as Americans be heard and choosing a Commander in Chief to guide our nation for the next four years.

This day has been long awaited by so many Americans and I for one am so thankful the Lord has allowed me to cast my vote. That I live in a country where i have the ability to make a change.

I have no idea how this election for president will turn out this evening, I know how my family and so many others have fervently prayed but the end result is still unknown.
I am thankful for the fact that either way my desire for Jesus to come and get His children is so much more a passion today than it was yesterday. It breaks my heart to see where our country has ended up and it saddens me even more to see so many who no longer care.
To see Christians siding with Satan because they no longer choose to be set apart in their convictions and choices.
Praise Jesus this is not my home!
Thank You Father for knowing the results of this election before the foundation of the world in which we live today. Thank you for the men who stand before us desiring our vote, and thank you for our nation. Soften hearts and grant wisdom in the polling places today.
Help us as believers to pray fervently for our leaders whom ever they may be.

And finally GO VOTE! :)

Confessions of a thankful bride

Why hello November! How in the world did you creep up so suddenly!? Nevertheless you come bearing my favorite season of them all and the promise of all things good that are to come!
Every one seems to be sharing things they are thankful for and I figured if everyone else can think of things (some down right absurd) to be thankful for then I may as well share the awesomeness that I have been blessed with! It's obviously day 5 and though I am just now sitting down to write this out my list has been banging on the doors of my heart recently.
So here I go!!

Day 1:
I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father! Because of His unconditional love for me I forever have a home with Him in glory! Not by works that I have done but because of His sacrifice for me on the cross of Calvary. Praise Jesus for the awesome realization that Christ wants me and loves me enough to never let go! thank you Daddy for my salvation!

Day 2:
I am thankful for my prince. I know every girl believes she has found a prince charming but I must confess I have found the one that makes all the others look like Gaston :) I am so in love that it I feel as though my heart couldn't possibly love this man even the tiniest bit more and then he goes and does the dishes, or wakes up with the baby, or gives me sweet forehead kisses when he thinks I am asleep and I fall that much more in love!!
Day 3:
I am thankful for our precious little munchkin man Isaiah. Hands down we really have the most adorable little guy EVER! It's crazy to think he has his own personality already and it is so humbling to see his sweet spirit shining through already! I am thankful for his morning smiles and hugs and the way he makes me feel like the funniest chick around!
Day 4:
I am thankful for broken chains!!! Praise Jesus I have been redeemed and am no longer held captive by the sin that so easily binds us. I have been blessed to be married to a man who reminds me that I have been called out and set apart from the ties that have broken my spirit my whole life. I no longer have to cower in defeat from the lies of satan.
Day 5:
I am thankful for a wonderful church family that we really can call our own! A church that has taken us under their wings and cared for us in time of need when they really knew nothing other than we were the new couple. Thank you Daddy for instilling in your children the call to love like You.

There is so much more to come!!!
I am excited to share just a few of the many many things I have to be thankful for this month and the many ways the Lord has blessed our tiny family!

Confessions of a mothering bride....

So this one time I was extremely lame about keeping up with my blog....oh wait...

As you can see it's been about an eternity (okay a year but who is really counting?) since I have blogged and I blame that completely on the fact that I was growing a human, working 60 hours a week at two different stressful jobs, i birthed a human, i was completely surprised by the fact that you could love something soo tiny soooo much, my husband was graduating with a bachelor's degree, we were moving from Minnesota to North Carolina, we were setting up home, and I was being a mommy!

Well that caught ya up in about three minutes....how did i never find time to blog that before...who knows?
A few pictures of the a fore mentioned journey :)

me about to pop!

Our little womb dweller finally joined us Feb. 10 at 11:19 am at 6# 11 oz 19.5 in

We spent time with family (momma and papa Z)

We have been busy setting up home while my munchkin is growing up! (not the most recent picture)

Now onto the mothering.....
I am the girl who never realized how much she was born to be a mother until she heard the tiny "whoosh, whoosh" on the doctor's little heart beat picker upper.  Friend's tried to express to me the awesomeness of being someone's mommy but let me just say....it truly pales in comparison to the moment when you see your tiny little womb dweller for the first time looking directly into your eyes knowing he (or she) is the one you have been hosting for the last nine months. And giiirrrlll do not let me forget to mention the first time I saw my husband Grant holding Isaiah....picture this:

Arriving at the hospital Thursday evening to get induced feeling all excited and nervous, feeling some discomfort but don't we all at the end. They get me all set up and wired in and leave me for the night telling me to get some rest. Seriously... I swear these nurses have never prepared themselves for a momentous occasion such as MEETING A MINIATURE HUMAN YOU HAVE BEEN GROWING  FOR 9 MONTHS!! Anyway of course I didn't get a wink of sleep, Grant of course was snoring away on the awesome recliner haha. At about 6 am my Dr comes in and checks me, and they begin the pitocin. I start having contractions, and we occasionally lose Isaiah's heart rate (we thought it was just because i couldn't get my big self comfy). At 9:15 a nurse comes to check on me and reads the paperwork that has been tirelessly printing out since the evening before....and then she calls in another nurse....and then another. And then they tell me to sit down (I had been standing up, rocking back and forth to stay comfy), and then to lay down, and then roll to this side, oh now roll to the other side. At this point I look to Grant and realize a couple more nurses had come into the room in the midst of all the rolling and situating. All of them staring at the tiny little print out that apparently holds the secret to the universe, or maybe just the fact that my wee one wasn't doing so well. At 9:45 a nurse calls for my Dr, at 10:00 our Dr tells us there is no longer any chance of me going home or to deliver Isaiah naturally, at 10:15 after checking his heart rate they decide we need to have an emergency C-section. During all of this my emotional state has diminished to me being the massive pregnant chick crying uncontrollably. Grant only has enough time to text my mom "heart rate not good, taking baby now" and they send him to get ready for surgery. There I am bawling all alone in a room full of nurses asking where my husband is and terrified for my baby, when the Lord sends an angel....well she was really the anesthesiologist but she sat on the edge of my bed, held my hand, and explained everything to me. She never left my side the entire time. At 11:19 our little love bug joined us.
They never discovered why his heart rate had plummeted so low for so long but he was here and he was perfect. An hour in recovery and they wheeled me to my new little family, as they opened the door I promise you it was as if I was in the most romantic movie EVER! You know how the guy always shows up to some dramatic music and the girl looks over and he slowly raises his head and it just makes you melt a tiny bit? well the postpartum version looks like this: Nurse slowly opens the door as I sit there in my fancy wheelchair a mess from being drugged and stapled back together, and I look up to see the most incredibly handsome man in my universe standing there holding the tiniest little bundle I have ever seen and he looks up (or down respectively) with his eyes full of love and just smiles.....I have never been more in love than in that moment and I will never forget it.
I had to share the whole story for you to get the whole "Im so in love i ache when i think about it" effect. haha

Anyway back to the mothering:

I am pretty sure the word mother is actually a shortened term for "let me show you just how selfish you truly are and remind you of it everyday". I am learning soo much and the Lord is breaking and humbling me daily. I love it, even though it is hard.  I for some reason thought moving and having a little one would be so different and I have been sorely disappointed to discover that there are moments that are so lonely I am sure the rest of humanity has ceased to exist.
And then there are the moments that your little one is crying and one glance at you makes it all okay, the moments your little one smiles at you just because he thinks your the funniest chick in the whole world, and the moment he hears your voice and crawls straight for you, or would rather climb and play with you than all his other "cooler" toys, the moments when you go get him in the morning and he snuggles his tiny face in your shoulder and wraps his little arms around your neck, the moments when he just wants to sit on the couch next to you, when he looks up at you while he nurses or rests his little palm on your chest. Now those are the moments no one can prepare you for....
I love everything about being Isaiah's mommy!
I am the mother that has struggled with feeling adequate enough. With knowing when to feed him baby food, or to wait a little longer, with why he is spitting up everywhere even though he has medicine, why he keeps waking up in the middle of the night screaming when he used to sleep wonderfully, if he will have any sense left by the time he is one because he is already a dare devil, and a million other things that cross my mind every day.
I am the mother whose heart aches thinking about her little one growing up and leaving home one day
I am the mother who holds her tiny baby for hours while he naps just because one day I know he will no longer need one
I am the mother who holds his tiny hand because I know one day some other girl will hold his heart
I am the mother that steals a million kisses a day because I know how precious my time with him is
I am the mother that tries to sneak him into bed in the morning just for a little snuggle time
I am the mother that still looks at him and tears up because the Lord has entrusted him to me.

Me....when there are a million other women out there probably more qualified to raise a little guy...but the Lord chose me (and you if your a mommy). He has given me the second greatest responsibility (second only to loving and completing my husband) of raising a child. It boggles my mind but I pray every day that the Lord would teach me how to love Isaiah as my son (more than I already do), to give me wisdom when I don't understand his needs, give me strength when I am exhausted, give me grace when I have responded to quickly, and give me comfort when I feel as though I have reached my end. I pray for the words to say when he begins to ask questions, I pray for my actions in front of him that they would never be misguided or lead him astray, I pray for his future and his future mate.
 But more than anything I pray for his salvation, that he would come to know our Heavenly Father early and that he would grow to love and serve Him more every day. I pray that the life I lead before him will always be one that leads him to the Father.

Being a mother is so much more than anyone could ever have prepared me for.....and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love it and I cherish every moment with my boys, even the hard ones. I am so blessed the Lord has called me to be a mothering bride and I pray our Daddy continues to bless our journey as a family and my heart as a mother.

Confessions of an Expecting Bride....

As you lay back on the table waiting for the unexpected moment everything will change you hear it....whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh and all of a sudden the only thing that matters is that tiny little life growing within.

I got to experience that moment July 8, and i wouldn't change it for anything in this world. I am so blessed to have such an incredible husband who loves our Heavenly Father with all of his heart, mind, and soul and who is just as excited as I am to be on this journey together.
We are expecting our first little bundle of amazing blessedness on Feb. 13! Our little love bug :)!

I titled this blog Expecting bride because that is where im at. I have so many expectations that i feel as though im supposed to have met before the Lord would bless me with a little human to teach, and nurture, and shape after Him. I still have so much to learn and I feel as though im still a child myself. How stinking scary. Why is it that there are so many Godly women that have come before us that seldom sit us down and share with us the responsibility of being not only a Godly wife but at this moment in time a Godly mother.
How many of us sit around in those months before this tiny one joins our life agonizing over what im supposed to do or buy, or what if i drop them, or leave them in the car, or just plain have no clue what im doing. I can honestly say all of those thoughts have crossed my mind but more than any of those the one resounding question "Lord how do I show him You? "Lord what if I fail?"
Okay so that's two questions really but the bottom line is, I want our little man to love our Heavenly Father and realize just how amazing our God truly is. How do I show him that through my life? Im just his mommy, im nothing special and i mess up every single day. I fail, i say things i shouldn't, i lose my temper, and i wish that i could just plain go back and fix it sometimes.... but i can't, life doesn't work that way.
And maybe he needs to see that im not perfect, that im gonna let him down, and hurt him, and of course it will break my heart but maybe that's the perfect moment to share with him that there is One who will never let him down.
Changing gears just for a moment, i had a friend who recently blogged about the surprise she has found regarding the burden of children in the eyes of the world. I never really thought about it until recently and i see the reason for her surprise. We are at a point now that I have begun to experience some of the not so pleasant things of pregnancy: back aches, sleeplessness, and round ligament pain, but that also means we have begun to experience the awesomeness of our little one bouncing around, and he is very active! I have mentioned some of those not so pleasant moments and also some of those very pleasant moments and have been surprised to some responses "oh just wait until he's here and you don't get any sleep", "your gonna have one of those" speaking of a crying baby in the store, "do you know how expensive babies are". when did having a baby become such a burden? As far as im concerned its a blessing and a privilege. It's what the Lord called me to be and im so excited to see what new ways the Father is going to teach me. Yes it will be hard and scary and down right exhausting but I get to be part of shaping this little person for the Lord to use one day. How is that not rewarding enough?
Yes babies are expensive but the Lord has always provided and yes the thought has crossed my mind plenty of times but He has never ever let us go without. Of course im going to have a crying and upset baby some days but it's so much better than hearing people who grouch at me because they have no patience. Yes im going to be awake at night, and yes i will be tired but who are you to tell me just how horrible it is. That's a moment i get to spend with my breathing, healthy little man. To hold him for one more moment before he's to "cool" to share mommy's lap, to breathe in that clean diaper smell before he starts wearing cologne to impress the girls, to hold his hand before another lady steals his heart. How precious those late nights will be! Call me crazy but those are the moments im looking forward to the most. Uninterrupted moments to let my little one know his mommy loves him. Those days other's complain about, I want the Lord to use to shape me and show me how to teach and grow my newest man.
I dont see this new little life as a burden but as the greatest blessing!

I know it will be hard but I also know im not doing this alone. I have a Heavenly Father who has given this little one to us to care for, for as short or as long as He sees fit, I have the Godliest husband a woman could ever pray for who loves me in spite of myself, and I am surrounded by the most amazing group of people who love us and always challenge and encourage us. Im so overly BLESSED!

And for those who are already so blessed to be called "mommy"......take a moment to enjoy your little one or ones! Forget about those dishes that will still be there, ignore the load of laundry they would rather be naked anyway, laugh when they spilled their spaghetti they just learned about gravity, enjoy the small moments that make their day even though they seem to frazzle yours. Im sure it's hard, and if you know me at all you know i will need to be reminded of these things when im having a hard time because my house isn't orderly but I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to make our little ones grow up and be "adult like" because that's what society says that we wonder when we wake up one day and they really are all grown up and how did that happen. Let them be a kid and enjoy it with them, take pleasure in the fact that our Daddy has entrusted this tiny soul to you to mold and teach them about our Great Savior. It flies quickly! Just asking my bulging belly :)

Confessions of a busy bride...

Imagine your the lady in the store desperatley trying to get that associates attention, one flutters past and before you even think to get the words out they are gone in a flash of blue. "Excuuuuuussee" the words die on your lips as another scurries past too hurried to bother with the random customer blocking the overly crowded aisle.  "Do you mind helping me?" You ask another, who disappears never to be seen again promising you the desired help in just a moment. You begin to think why you ever shop here if no one cares enough to spend a moment meeting your needs, or at least pointing you in the right direction so you can meet them yourself. The truth is they are just to busy to help, or are too busy helping another, or are rushed to meet anothers needs or wants.

Sometimes life gets busy.........

To be honest i think the word busy may be an understatement

I have a pile of dirty dishes in my once empty sink, my used to be clean office space is now littered with half empty boxes full of things that go here, there, and im pretty sure over there. My laundry is multiplying and im not sure i remember the last time i washed my hair.....hmmm

Im tired and exhausted and honestly i just want a break, for my bills to be paid while i sit sipping a large mocha frappe from mcdonalds with extra whipped cream cause im sure that will solve the worlds problems, at least mine momentarily.
But in the midst of all this busy I have become desperate and searching, trying to find ways to fill those empty spaces that once seemed overflowing.
I came across a song by Royal Tailor called "Hold me together" and the chorus speaks so profoundly to where I am right now:

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart

In the midst of all this "busy" my Heavenly Father continually finds ways to "hold me together" to remind me that His love is daily reaching out for me. That He is holding my heart within His gracious loving Daddy hands and that He will get me through whatever lies ahead.
It has been amazing to me that usually when my life gets so caught up in the crazy the Lord takes a back seat however through this insane journey of mine this time around I find it so overwhelmingly sweet to know that more and more I find myself dwelling on my God, my Jesus, my Savior. That through out my days I am reminded countless times of His unfailing faithfulness and unconditional love for me in spite of myself.  I find myself yearning and asking the Lord to make me fall more in love with HIM! I love that the Lord has brought me to this point, in this moment because it trully has been the sweetest of times yet.
There are quite a few new journeys ahead of us and your prayers are desperately welcomed as we begin Grants final year here at Oak Hills and our final year here in Minnesota! This for sure will be the most growing and stretching of them yet and im soooo overly excited to see all that my Awesome Father has in store for us. I will try to write more often as I know I will have much to share in the coming months, especially with Fall right around the corner! Its my favorite time of year and the Lord always shows me new things to dwell on and share!

Dont be to busy that you forget to remember just how AWESOME our God truly is. Take a few moments to dwell on the ways He has blessed you lately. Praying for you sweet friend :)

Confessions of a bratty mind and thought renewing Bride.....

It seems amazing to me that no matter how hard you try sometimes things just dont work out. Im kind of surprised that this sort of thing amazes me but low and behold it does.

It's my day off, I got up early ready to spend the day in a joyful mood and first thing the hubsters and I have a disagreement...lasted maybe five seconds because thats the way we do things....fix it, figure it, compromise, and or understand what was "really" being said and then move on as though it was no big deal (because we all know 99.9% of the time it really is no big deal), then off to a wonderfully sweet time with a dear friend, and then super looking forward to my small group that i have been trying to get to whenever im off. I get all ready, head over there, and then waited in the car for 35 minutes and then.......nothing. No one showed! Either it was cancelled, they met some where else, or they were all inside the whole time and i was just too chicken to go knock. P.s the dog scares me so i must admit i was to chicken and didnt go check.

I was really looking forward to this time and then nothing. im so frustrated.....why do some things have to be soo stinking hard. Is it to much to ask for just a little bit of fellowship around here......I really am just.....rahhh!

And here I sit knowing I have a terrible attitude because I didnt get to fellowship with other believers.....how hypocritical of me and yet im trying to be joyful about the whole situation and all of these frustrated irritated thoughts keep coming up. The number one......Lord really? Why couldnt you just let them be there, we could have talked about You and I would have gone home feeling so light hearted and happy and praise You the rest of the day! Why did you have to go and mess up my day?

Okay can you just re-read my prayer...... It was honest and awful. I didnt even realize it until i had it out but thats how I felt. I immediately had some one on one time with my Daddy and had to ask Him to forgive me, it broke my heart to be such a bratty little girl about how my day was "ruined" because I didnt get to spend time with my small group. Why am I always that way, why is it that I can have a beautiful day and then something comes up and I let it ruin everything and then I wallow around with a woe is me attitude and infect everything. I could see it now Grant would come home and I would pout and probably try to pick some kind of petty fight and then make him feel like it was his fault just to get some pity and make me feel better.
Oh GROW UP!!! I mean really, is that the kind of woman i want to be?? The kind of wife i want to be? no way.....and yet I am. Just because things dont go my way....how selfish!

It was and is a terrible humbling experience. I have been attempting to study through Loving God with all Your Mind by Elizabeth George and amazingly enough im still on chapter one because im really trying to get it through my big fat head....but she picks out Phillipians 4:8
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
If you travel down to verse 9 at the very end of that verse Paul says something rather earth shattering to me but he says in the KJV "and the God of Peace shall be with you"
Waaa-aa-aiitt just a minute....hold the phone. The God of Peace? I dont know about you but when i am frantically obsessing because my day was "ruined" and im secretly plotting to get some attention to make my day better my mind nor my heart are at peace. What does that say about me and how I have allowed satan to have a tiny foothold into my day. It is soo very easy as you can see by my perfect example to just throw in the towel the minute things dont work out OUR way.
But we have a Gracious and oh so Loving Father who reminds us (by occasionally ripping the rug from under us so we are lying flat on our face with no where to look but up) that He still loves us and still has a plan for us and i can promise you 100% of the time that plan is better than our own.

Now that I look back I feel so silly that not even an hour ago I was trying to plot how to get back at God, my husband, and anyone else I came into contact with today just because I didnt get to spend time worshiping. I mean i chuckle just reading that because it is just so ridiculous when you think about it (actually it's so bad you dont even have to think about it and it will make you laugh).
How often do we allow a few tiny bumps in the road, or maybe mountains in the road detour us from Praising our God no matter what. I can honestly say it affects me more than I would like to admit. However once you start thinking about just how ridiculous you begin to sound you begin to see that you have strayed from thinking about the true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things and begin to dwell on the negative, deceiving, lies that we often fall prey to. We have learned the true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things, the Word tells us that, we just have to dwell on them, commit them to memory. How vitally important it is to daily renew our minds with the things of Christ. We serve a God of Peace even in the midst of storms or silly missed small group meetings we just need to remember that.
I love that the Lord can take a mere hour to change my heart and attitude in the midst of teaching me something earth shattering that will always stick with me. Man we really do serve an AWESOME God!! I guess today I didnt need the small group i just needed the lesson that came without them.
Thank You Daddy. :)

Confessions of a crying bride....

It's late.... I should be asleep because 5 am comes awfully early but here I am because the obvious decision to curl up in bed alone resulted in an out of nowhere emotional break down. (surprise!)
I need a friend, not a cookie cutter friend who would hug me and say "oh it's okay" but a real friend. I feel like it's my first day in Minnesota all over again, and its pretty much breaking my heart right now. I thought I was over this, but im not. It's supposed to be okay now but it's not.

I have rewritten a paragraph and deleted it three times now for fear that I may hurt people's feelings, either that or you would think i was insane. Maybe i just needed to cry as i got it all out. Maybe i just need to cry. Cry for what was, cry for what isn't, cry for what im desperate for, cry because i remember how things were and how i want them so badly to be again, cry because that's never gonna be, and cry because it hurts.....

Cry because i miss my Daddy, cry because i want the relationship i used to have,  and cry because im not really sure how to get it back. 

And cry because no matter how hard you try to be you will never be the friend i need..... unless you are.
but i will never know because i will never cry to you..... because you aren't here.
No one is.....as hard as i try on this night i cant think of anything else but my times at Word of Life. It will never be the same and tonight of all nights feels as though someone has punched me right in the gut with that realization and i can't get past it. Not the place..... the people. People who cared, ministry.

My head hurts....im gonna be feeling this in a few hours time i know it.
I swear im not insane, I just miss the fact that i used to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord as much as I do, who weren't afraid to call me out on something, or to question when they saw me hurting, who knew me enough to see the hurt i would never speak aloud.  here i go deleting sentences again for fear of hurting someone.... oh well i bet those people dont even read my ramblings

I should sleep, im better now....okay at least im not bawling my eyes out, that counts for something right? Blogging always makes me feel a little better, or at least puts my heart right in front of me to evaluate.

Good night

PS......I wish you were that friend, and more than anything i wish you were here

Confessions of a walking away different bride.....

I went to work today and walked away a tiny bit more different then i had expected all because of one small phone call.

Today like every day i work I am expected to make calls hoping that someone will want to set up an appt to come and get portraits done of their tiny little ones, or larger than expected ones and today I did just that. Until I called someone and hung up the phone being more shocked and speechless and heart broken than i had expected.
This is so and so from such and such, we have a special would you like to set up an appt.? Silence and then.... earth shattering sobs....."we wont be back, my baby died yesterday".......
I wasn't sure I heard correctly until I realized the sobs weren't the tiny ones like when you fall off your bike in the first grade and skin your knee in front of the older kids but the kind that rock your world from the very core of your being. The kind that make everyone around you realize your life has just changed forever and no matter how much they try to make it okay it never will be.
It was so awful......and then I realized I knew that name. I knew that baby. Not personally, but I took their photos. The one time they came in, it was me behind the camera hoping to catch a glimpse of a smile from their precious little one.

It was a call that lasted little more than a brief moment as i numbly told her im so very sorry and heard the tiny break of a mother who would never hold her precious baby again mistaking it for the click of a phone as it was being hung up. I have thought of little more since that. I still dont have the words to say but I can still see their faces, i can still hear her voice and her shattered world.
It's moments like this that I dont quite understand....and i know sometimes we aren't meant to but still it's hard. I can't imagine what that family is going through and i know this may sound selfish but i never want to know. I pray the Lord gives them the comfort they need to just survive their next moment, that He gives them the wisdom and strength to face this journey ahead. More than anything I pray He never allows me to forget the way I feel this very moment, the way I felt with the phone just grasped in my palm wishing I could say something with a little more substance, something that might make it okay, I pray He never allows me to forget the compassion and love that swelled for a complete stranger with a broken heart. That is what has always drawn me to the cross and did so once again today. Knowing that I have a Savior who understands our brokeness. Understands when we dont have the words to tell it like it is. When our words have turned into earth shattering sobs and nothing anyone says will ever make it okay again. We have a Daddy who doesn't need our words, He only wants our trust. As hard as that is it is often all we have to give.....
Lord help me to love like You......Comfort this family tonight as they face the hard road ahead. Bring someone to share You with them if they dont already know, or maybe if they have forgotten. Bless this family Lord the way only you know how, help them through this, guide their steps and help them pick up the pieces. Amen

Confessions of a food obsessed transparent bride.....

Some of you will wonder why im posting this and i suppose i could say because i want to help someone else, but i would be lying. I do want to one day be able to look back in hopes that this changed the outlook for another but it's mainly because i need people to stand beside me in this journey.  No this wont be easy to say but it's me and it's my life. So please dont judge....

I dont know about you but I love food!! Any kind: Spaghetti, tacos, chinese, burgers, fries, chocolate, cheese cake, Pizza, chips, you name it i will probably fight you for it. I can't get enough....i eat when im tired, bored, lonely, emotional, and sometimes i even eat for the right reason, because im hungry. How horrible you say.... I know...and scary.

Scary because this time two years ago i was obsessed. Not in a healthy way at all, in a desperate need to lose every calorie, or pound that went into my body. No matter what the cost. And I do mean no matter what. It started when I got engaged. I knew i wanted to be beautiful for my future mate and to me beautiful was defined by the number on the scale. Was ONLY defined by the number on the scale. I started counting calories and began to see a difference and that was good enough for awhile. Until it wasn't any more. I was introduced to what starving yourself could do to your body and instead of seeing the hurting person behind it all I saw was a way to take my weight loss to a deeper level. I was obsessed with looking at myself in a mirror and sucking in until you could see my ribs. Instead of filling my plate i would take a tiny spoonful of salad and green beans and only eat half. If i ate more than 800 calories i would hate myself and tell myself i was a failure. If I didnt lie in bed at night and feel hunger pains i had failed that day. And still the number wouldnt move, and I became desperate. My out was eating a meal and then using the excuse that i was gonna shower and go to bed.....because you can purge an entire meal with the shower running and no one would ever know. I was desperate.
And then in my eyes I had done it. The day I said my vows I weighed in at my life time goal of 140 pounds. I had succeeded. I was beautiful.
Or so I thought....
I realize today that no matter what number the scale says it will never define my beauty, no matter what size of jeans i have to squeeze into it wont change my heart. And as wonderful as all of that sounds and what a breakthrough it takes to get here it isn't enough.
Since Grant and I have gotten married those pounds have found their way back home....and it seems...angrier than ever that i once tried to rid my body of them. So here i sit weighing in at 185 once again, and as embarrassing as it is to say that I say it because i have to. I can't allow that number to define me. I look in the mirror some days and I dont see that "fat" girl, i see a desperate girl who wants to do it the right way.  But can't find the motivation to get on the treadmill, to not eat another piece, to not sneak another slice.
And my heart has been suffering for it all. Yes my physical heart im sure but im talking even deeper than that. This journey to find my "beauty" has severely severed my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It has been an up hill battle and one that i have been losing. I don't see that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, I see someone that has a huge flaw....God made a mistake. 
Weight wise and heart wise, it is impossible to be right with your Father when some days you look at yourself and all you see is a mistake.
So this is my journey..... stepping back to my Daddy who has never made a mistake, ever. And to working on this the right way. To being healthy if and when little unexpected things happen and realizing healthy isn't a number on the scale but my thought process. And that is what is so tattered in this moment, my thought process. To never obsessing but to always finding motivation to give just a little more, or to saying no. To reaching out and realizing that though i may have a million people cheering me on the only hand I want to hold at the finish is my Daddy's. His love endures and this is a journey that I know will test my faith and will power and quite frankly both of those are on shaky foundations...but they do have a foundation. A Godly foundation and I wont give up.
So im asking for cheerleaders, whether that means you cheer me on or you just read my blog to see how im doing but more than either of those Im asking for those of you who will pray for me, when you pass a mirror, or a scale, may you think of me and send up a prayer to our Daddy. I know I can do this.....but i fear resorting to the easy obsessed way. To giving in to the moments where the screaming in my head to just not eat, or to rid my body of what i just ate is louder than the still small voice within. To binge eating just to make myself feel better about something that should have been taken to the Lord in prayer. To loving the feeling of being hungry and the satisfaction and victory that comes in that moment. That isn't an option this time around and I want to remember that. I started by sharing my weight as of today and I will occasionally share what it is but im not sure how often that will be. I dont want this journey to be defined by what the scale says but by the changes within, starting with my relationship with my Father. So here's to taking another journey with this Princess Bride who is loved unconditionally by her Heavenly Daddy. Im sure many updates with struggles, successes and failures will ensue but I know through it all I will never be alone. Thankful for you guys who follow my ramblings and earnestly pray for me. :) And blessed to have the most amazing man who encourages me through it all and never ceases to challenge me.
Here's to my journey back to a healthy way of life....starting with my always growing relationship with my Heavenly Father and ending with a renewed mind, spirit, and body :)

Confessions of a can't get turned back around snowflake noticing bride.....

Where do I begin. Im tired, more than tired......im exhausted. It has been more than two months since I have last written and a lot has changed since then.....or maybe nothing has, i can't remember any more.

Im working two jobs and the new place is one of the hardest jobs i have ever had. But im enjoying it, most days. Then there are days like today when I just want to tell people i dont care, and there is no reason for their terrible attitude just because they can't have it their way. Im not perfect, im gonna make mistakes so back off. Why do people have to be so rude and mean anyway?

I have bitten off way to much, and now im choking down the pieces. When will I ever learn? I need a break, Im ready to go home and see my family. More than anything my time here has grown significantly lonely in the last couple of months. People are in bed when i leave in the morning and ready for bed when i get home most evenings. And if i have a spare half a day off all i want to do is relax at home and just enjoy the time i have.

I keep telling myself just three more weeks and this will all be over..... :) Something to look forward to. Im a look forward to something kind of gal. I need that. It soothes my soul, reminds me the storm wont last forever, that my Anchor is still holding.

Im afraid my Anchor is holding and the line has continued to go out and I can't seem to find where to meet it again. You know that moment when you realize you have lost something, and there is that tiny twinge of panic because you cant remember where you left it to save your life. I feel that twinge of panic daily because as hard as im trying to reach the place i walked away i can't seem to find it and im only going in circles.
How pathetic, how sad you say.......i know. How do you get so far from home and sometimes you even realize your going the wrong way and yet you feel as though you can't turn yourself around.
I think im there, in the can't get turned back around part.

No im not into anything outwardly that would make you gasp with your hand covering your mouth, but it's a heart thing. I know it, I miss my Daddy. He never moved but I can't seem to find Him. I haven't lost my way im just sorta stuck ya know.
But you know what's so amazingly incredible.....He's waiting for me. Ya know how i know....
a snowflake landed on my windshield the other day
And then there was another one, and another one, and before I knew it there were a bagillion little snowflakes covering my window.....and a single tear had formed and found it's way down from my tired eyes. They were all different. Not a single one was the same as those that had fallen before it. Every design was as intricate as though it's creator had spent countless hours perfecting it. And in that moment I looked around and realized the piles of snow were filled with tiny little snow flakes each one more precious and different than the one before it. Thats how I know He hasn't given up. Im different, im intricate, im special. And my Daddy has spent countless hours perfecting who I am to Him. Im His daughter, His baby, the one He gave everything for, the one He gave HIS life for.
He loves me, He misses me.
So please pray for me.....cause I miss Him too. I miss feeling as though He's holding my heart. Pray I would let go and allow my self to get turned back around and to take those steps back to Him, or to allow Him to pull me back to His safe harbor.
Isn't my Daddy amazing!!!
When was the last time you took a moment to realize how different and intricate you really are. It trully is a beautiful thing my precious friend. To think there are more than a billion people on this earth and each one is different and unique. Crazy huh?
And people wonder why I love the snow soo much, now I have an even better answer.....it's drawing me back home where i belong :)

Confessions of a powdery cake mix loving Bride :)

it's somewhat amazing that life can feel so different and yet the same all in the same moment.
Things are changing yet they never seem to change until the moment your wake up and it begins to dawn on you....how in the world did i get here....wait, where is here?
That's how I feel somedays. Here in good ole Bemidji nothing ever seems to change yet daily things are evolving and bringing new struggles, victories, and wonderful memories. How in the world do you take it all in?
Grant has been in classes for a month now, and it has gotten a lot better. It was really hard at first realizing he was getting to be a part of something I wasn't. It was this insanely lonely feeling and I cried. Surprise :) Im pretty much over that now that i see his massive box of Hebrew vocabulary cards, and books I can't even pronounce littering our tiny coffee table, and not to mention the cup after cup of coffee slowly replacing his flow of blood with a caffeine pumping insomnia. He's loving it. The Lord has already been working in his heart this year and I love hearing his new discoveries as our Daddy reveals something new to him. It's rather insightful being in love with a college hunny!
Other than my eventful run in with the ER nothing new seems to be changing for me. Thus my entry for the day. Have you ever wanted something so much and it seems it's always out of your grasp. I mean really, that one tiny thing that no matter how hard you push just keeps skipping that centimeter to far. Sometimes I feel that way. My best friend moved to Hungary for a year, and i must admit i was highly jealous, not in a bad way more of an Im-so-excited-our-Daddy-is-doing-something-so-incredible-in-your-life way. And than i began thinking....what is the Lord doing in my life?
Do you ever really stop to think that....I mean mostly we just sit around on a daily basis riding the roller coaster of life with all its ups and downs and im gonna throw up moments and never stop to see the hand and heart of our Savior.
I dont ever want to be that way..... something that has been so exciting lately has been my daily time with the Lord. If you know me at all you know what a struggle it is to be in the word daily...lame i know but it's tough. I have such good intentions and then before i know it, it's midnight and i can't even keep my eyes open. A baby step for me but it feels like leaps!
Oh and another thing....Fall is coming. A plus of living up north for the time being is I get FALL!! Changing leaves, cooler weather (not im gonna die cold yet), and the smell of everything beginning to change. It has to be the most amazing thing ever stepping outside on our balcony and just looking around and seeing all that our Heavenly Father has created, and realizing that He knitted together every aspect, every tiny detail. It's an overwhelming thing.
The Lord is daily providing for us....we were finally able to pay off my Word of Life bill! I know it has been forever but we did it! Praise the Lord for His provision, now im just waiting for my diploma to prove I was there and did it!
And all of that is just the powdery cake mix....not even the good stuff (like all the chocolate parts!). Our God is so amazingly wonderful and gracious to us and more than anything He teaches us. Yeah sometimes it's hard but how rewarding when you take a moment to look back, even if it's just for that one moment your in to realize everything our Father is doing. Dont forget to take those moments, sometimes thats all you need to keep those centimeter skipping grasp escaping things from overwhelming you. And if that doesn't work....let Him know your heart, He already knows it better than you but He loves to hear you come before Him and tell Him all about it.

So tell me....what is He doing in your life?
Love and miss yall!
Heather