I last posted a thankful speech, I spent time reliving that post for what seemed like hours and was in fact just a few minutes of time.
Crazy how life can change so much and so unexpectedly. I am still so overly thankful, and these days I cherish each and every moment just a little bit more.
Most already know my father passed away unexpectedly in February.
You often times hear of those gut wrenching, heart stopping, life altering moments you never want to experience and now I have one of my own. My mom took him to the hospital thinking he had the flu and he never came home. I got a call from my mom 2.5 weeks later asking me to come home. We got there on a Thursday morning and expected to stay until we got results from a biopsy the hospital had scheduled. On Friday afternoon my mom and I sat down with a doctor so he could give us an update and all I hear now is "you father has days"....all I remember is repeating over and over "days? what do you mean days? days? are you sure?" and the doctor replying with "I am off tomorrow, I will be back Sunday and I hope your father is still here".
I couldn't even cry....surely this "educated man" has no idea what he is talking about.
This is my dad, the man with the best navy stories, the man who named me, the man who sat on the very edge of his bed reading his bible for hours, who stayed up all hours of the night playing video games, who watched the Superbowl with me, who rocked his legs until it drove everyone else nuts, who could be heard snoring all the way down the street, who combed his little strips of hair over and refused to cut them off, who cracked up in the middle of his stories until he broke into a coughing spell. Surely he can't be talking about the man who watched me graduate high school, the man who walked me down the aisle, the man who held my first born son...just one time, the man who was only blessed to see my little boy on three different occasions.....this doctor, this man sitting across from me had to be wrong. And yet, I knew deep in my heart that he wasn't....I somehow knew the moment my mom called to tell me they admitted my father that the news would not be good...I never expected it to be down right devastating.
We had two short days, Thursday when I arrived and Friday when I went to visit him. Saturday morning we arrived at the hospital to find he was sedated and had to be placed on a breathing machine in the night to keep him alive. Monday afternoon he passed away.
Most say time heals all wounds but I don't think that is true, I think some are left open and tender to make you remember.
I know the logical believer in me tries to dwell on the fact that scripture says "our life is a vapor and we are not promised tomorrow", and how true those very words are. Yet the broken heart inside me screams "though I am not promised tomorrow it is now a guarantee for my dad". How a broken heart screams against logic when it is aching and shattered.
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my father is in heaven, he is not floating around on a newly earned pair of angel wings, but he is rejoicing with the King of Kings. He has seen the Savior of the world face to face. He has been welcomed home with nail pierced hands and eyes that burn like fire.
It's so hard to think that of my siblings I was the one that left home and had such little time with him these past four years, to think he will never spend the same amount of time with my kids as he did with my nieces and nephews, he will never meet my future children and get to share his stories with them on this side of glory.
It's hard to find a balance when your heart is shattered and yet you know with absolute certainty that the person whom you loved is in a better place. I am so thankful that I have a Comforter in the Holy Spirit and that He draws near to the broken hearted.
My father was an extraordinary man and I only wish that I had more time to spend with him. I am so thankful for the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father for restoring our relationship when I was 14 and making every moment I had with him sweeter than the last. I am so thankful he was able to see me graduate, to walk me down the aisle, and to hold my first born son.
If you knew my father...you are blessed....you may not see it that way because he could be kind of quirky...but trust me, you are blessed beyond measure.
I guess all of this was spurred on because I heard Laura Story's song "Blessings" on the way home from the store. If you know me at all you know my love for music.....how sweet the words were this evening as I sat in a parking lot and cried while my son slept soundly in the seat behind me.
"Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
