As you can see it's been about an eternity (okay a year but who is really counting?) since I have blogged and I blame that completely on the fact that I was growing a human, working 60 hours a week at two different stressful jobs, i birthed a human, i was completely surprised by the fact that you could love something soo tiny soooo much, my husband was graduating with a bachelor's degree, we were moving from Minnesota to North Carolina, we were setting up home, and I was being a mommy!
Well that caught ya up in about three minutes....how did i never find time to blog that before...who knows?
A few pictures of the a fore mentioned journey :)
Now onto the mothering.....
I am the girl who never realized how much she was born to be a mother until she heard the tiny "whoosh, whoosh" on the doctor's little heart beat picker upper. Friend's tried to express to me the awesomeness of being someone's mommy but let me just say....it truly pales in comparison to the moment when you see your tiny little womb dweller for the first time looking directly into your eyes knowing he (or she) is the one you have been hosting for the last nine months. And giiirrrlll do not let me forget to mention the first time I saw my husband Grant holding Isaiah....picture this:
Arriving at the hospital Thursday evening to get induced feeling all excited and nervous, feeling some discomfort but don't we all at the end. They get me all set up and wired in and leave me for the night telling me to get some rest. Seriously... I swear these nurses have never prepared themselves for a momentous occasion such as MEETING A MINIATURE HUMAN YOU HAVE BEEN GROWING FOR 9 MONTHS!! Anyway of course I didn't get a wink of sleep, Grant of course was snoring away on the awesome recliner haha. At about 6 am my Dr comes in and checks me, and they begin the pitocin. I start having contractions, and we occasionally lose Isaiah's heart rate (we thought it was just because i couldn't get my big self comfy). At 9:15 a nurse comes to check on me and reads the paperwork that has been tirelessly printing out since the evening before....and then she calls in another nurse....and then another. And then they tell me to sit down (I had been standing up, rocking back and forth to stay comfy), and then to lay down, and then roll to this side, oh now roll to the other side. At this point I look to Grant and realize a couple more nurses had come into the room in the midst of all the rolling and situating. All of them staring at the tiny little print out that apparently holds the secret to the universe, or maybe just the fact that my wee one wasn't doing so well. At 9:45 a nurse calls for my Dr, at 10:00 our Dr tells us there is no longer any chance of me going home or to deliver Isaiah naturally, at 10:15 after checking his heart rate they decide we need to have an emergency C-section. During all of this my emotional state has diminished to me being the massive pregnant chick crying uncontrollably. Grant only has enough time to text my mom "heart rate not good, taking baby now" and they send him to get ready for surgery. There I am bawling all alone in a room full of nurses asking where my husband is and terrified for my baby, when the Lord sends an angel....well she was really the anesthesiologist but she sat on the edge of my bed, held my hand, and explained everything to me. She never left my side the entire time. At 11:19 our little love bug joined us.
They never discovered why his heart rate had plummeted so low for so long but he was here and he was perfect. An hour in recovery and they wheeled me to my new little family, as they opened the door I promise you it was as if I was in the most romantic movie EVER! You know how the guy always shows up to some dramatic music and the girl looks over and he slowly raises his head and it just makes you melt a tiny bit? well the postpartum version looks like this: Nurse slowly opens the door as I sit there in my fancy wheelchair a mess from being drugged and stapled back together, and I look up to see the most incredibly handsome man in my universe standing there holding the tiniest little bundle I have ever seen and he looks up (or down respectively) with his eyes full of love and just smiles.....I have never been more in love than in that moment and I will never forget it.
I had to share the whole story for you to get the whole "Im so in love i ache when i think about it" effect. haha
Anyway back to the mothering:
I am pretty sure the word mother is actually a shortened term for "let me show you just how selfish you truly are and remind you of it everyday". I am learning soo much and the Lord is breaking and humbling me daily. I love it, even though it is hard. I for some reason thought moving and having a little one would be so different and I have been sorely disappointed to discover that there are moments that are so lonely I am sure the rest of humanity has ceased to exist.
And then there are the moments that your little one is crying and one glance at you makes it all okay, the moments your little one smiles at you just because he thinks your the funniest chick in the whole world, and the moment he hears your voice and crawls straight for you, or would rather climb and play with you than all his other "cooler" toys, the moments when you go get him in the morning and he snuggles his tiny face in your shoulder and wraps his little arms around your neck, the moments when he just wants to sit on the couch next to you, when he looks up at you while he nurses or rests his little palm on your chest. Now those are the moments no one can prepare you for....
I love everything about being Isaiah's mommy!
I am the mother that has struggled with feeling adequate enough. With knowing when to feed him baby food, or to wait a little longer, with why he is spitting up everywhere even though he has medicine, why he keeps waking up in the middle of the night screaming when he used to sleep wonderfully, if he will have any sense left by the time he is one because he is already a dare devil, and a million other things that cross my mind every day.
I am the mother whose heart aches thinking about her little one growing up and leaving home one day
I am the mother who holds her tiny baby for hours while he naps just because one day I know he will no longer need one
I am the mother who holds his tiny hand because I know one day some other girl will hold his heart
I am the mother that steals a million kisses a day because I know how precious my time with him is
I am the mother that tries to sneak him into bed in the morning just for a little snuggle time
I am the mother that still looks at him and tears up because the Lord has entrusted him to me.
Me....when there are a million other women out there probably more qualified to raise a little guy...but the Lord chose me (and you if your a mommy). He has given me the second greatest responsibility (second only to loving and completing my husband) of raising a child. It boggles my mind but I pray every day that the Lord would teach me how to love Isaiah as my son (more than I already do), to give me wisdom when I don't understand his needs, give me strength when I am exhausted, give me grace when I have responded to quickly, and give me comfort when I feel as though I have reached my end. I pray for the words to say when he begins to ask questions, I pray for my actions in front of him that they would never be misguided or lead him astray, I pray for his future and his future mate.
But more than anything I pray for his salvation, that he would come to know our Heavenly Father early and that he would grow to love and serve Him more every day. I pray that the life I lead before him will always be one that leads him to the Father.
Being a mother is so much more than anyone could ever have prepared me for.....and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love it and I cherish every moment with my boys, even the hard ones. I am so blessed the Lord has called me to be a mothering bride and I pray our Daddy continues to bless our journey as a family and my heart as a mother.
