Confessions of a crying bride....

It's late.... I should be asleep because 5 am comes awfully early but here I am because the obvious decision to curl up in bed alone resulted in an out of nowhere emotional break down. (surprise!)
I need a friend, not a cookie cutter friend who would hug me and say "oh it's okay" but a real friend. I feel like it's my first day in Minnesota all over again, and its pretty much breaking my heart right now. I thought I was over this, but im not. It's supposed to be okay now but it's not.

I have rewritten a paragraph and deleted it three times now for fear that I may hurt people's feelings, either that or you would think i was insane. Maybe i just needed to cry as i got it all out. Maybe i just need to cry. Cry for what was, cry for what isn't, cry for what im desperate for, cry because i remember how things were and how i want them so badly to be again, cry because that's never gonna be, and cry because it hurts.....

Cry because i miss my Daddy, cry because i want the relationship i used to have,  and cry because im not really sure how to get it back. 

And cry because no matter how hard you try to be you will never be the friend i need..... unless you are.
but i will never know because i will never cry to you..... because you aren't here.
No one is.....as hard as i try on this night i cant think of anything else but my times at Word of Life. It will never be the same and tonight of all nights feels as though someone has punched me right in the gut with that realization and i can't get past it. Not the place..... the people. People who cared, ministry.

My head hurts....im gonna be feeling this in a few hours time i know it.
I swear im not insane, I just miss the fact that i used to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord as much as I do, who weren't afraid to call me out on something, or to question when they saw me hurting, who knew me enough to see the hurt i would never speak aloud.  here i go deleting sentences again for fear of hurting someone.... oh well i bet those people dont even read my ramblings

I should sleep, im better now....okay at least im not bawling my eyes out, that counts for something right? Blogging always makes me feel a little better, or at least puts my heart right in front of me to evaluate.

Good night

PS......I wish you were that friend, and more than anything i wish you were here