Confessions of a food obsessed transparent bride.....

Some of you will wonder why im posting this and i suppose i could say because i want to help someone else, but i would be lying. I do want to one day be able to look back in hopes that this changed the outlook for another but it's mainly because i need people to stand beside me in this journey.  No this wont be easy to say but it's me and it's my life. So please dont judge....

I dont know about you but I love food!! Any kind: Spaghetti, tacos, chinese, burgers, fries, chocolate, cheese cake, Pizza, chips, you name it i will probably fight you for it. I can't get enough....i eat when im tired, bored, lonely, emotional, and sometimes i even eat for the right reason, because im hungry. How horrible you say.... I know...and scary.

Scary because this time two years ago i was obsessed. Not in a healthy way at all, in a desperate need to lose every calorie, or pound that went into my body. No matter what the cost. And I do mean no matter what. It started when I got engaged. I knew i wanted to be beautiful for my future mate and to me beautiful was defined by the number on the scale. Was ONLY defined by the number on the scale. I started counting calories and began to see a difference and that was good enough for awhile. Until it wasn't any more. I was introduced to what starving yourself could do to your body and instead of seeing the hurting person behind it all I saw was a way to take my weight loss to a deeper level. I was obsessed with looking at myself in a mirror and sucking in until you could see my ribs. Instead of filling my plate i would take a tiny spoonful of salad and green beans and only eat half. If i ate more than 800 calories i would hate myself and tell myself i was a failure. If I didnt lie in bed at night and feel hunger pains i had failed that day. And still the number wouldnt move, and I became desperate. My out was eating a meal and then using the excuse that i was gonna shower and go to bed.....because you can purge an entire meal with the shower running and no one would ever know. I was desperate.
And then in my eyes I had done it. The day I said my vows I weighed in at my life time goal of 140 pounds. I had succeeded. I was beautiful.
Or so I thought....
I realize today that no matter what number the scale says it will never define my beauty, no matter what size of jeans i have to squeeze into it wont change my heart. And as wonderful as all of that sounds and what a breakthrough it takes to get here it isn't enough.
Since Grant and I have gotten married those pounds have found their way back home....and it seems...angrier than ever that i once tried to rid my body of them. So here i sit weighing in at 185 once again, and as embarrassing as it is to say that I say it because i have to. I can't allow that number to define me. I look in the mirror some days and I dont see that "fat" girl, i see a desperate girl who wants to do it the right way.  But can't find the motivation to get on the treadmill, to not eat another piece, to not sneak another slice.
And my heart has been suffering for it all. Yes my physical heart im sure but im talking even deeper than that. This journey to find my "beauty" has severely severed my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It has been an up hill battle and one that i have been losing. I don't see that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, I see someone that has a huge flaw....God made a mistake. 
Weight wise and heart wise, it is impossible to be right with your Father when some days you look at yourself and all you see is a mistake.
So this is my journey..... stepping back to my Daddy who has never made a mistake, ever. And to working on this the right way. To being healthy if and when little unexpected things happen and realizing healthy isn't a number on the scale but my thought process. And that is what is so tattered in this moment, my thought process. To never obsessing but to always finding motivation to give just a little more, or to saying no. To reaching out and realizing that though i may have a million people cheering me on the only hand I want to hold at the finish is my Daddy's. His love endures and this is a journey that I know will test my faith and will power and quite frankly both of those are on shaky foundations...but they do have a foundation. A Godly foundation and I wont give up.
So im asking for cheerleaders, whether that means you cheer me on or you just read my blog to see how im doing but more than either of those Im asking for those of you who will pray for me, when you pass a mirror, or a scale, may you think of me and send up a prayer to our Daddy. I know I can do this.....but i fear resorting to the easy obsessed way. To giving in to the moments where the screaming in my head to just not eat, or to rid my body of what i just ate is louder than the still small voice within. To binge eating just to make myself feel better about something that should have been taken to the Lord in prayer. To loving the feeling of being hungry and the satisfaction and victory that comes in that moment. That isn't an option this time around and I want to remember that. I started by sharing my weight as of today and I will occasionally share what it is but im not sure how often that will be. I dont want this journey to be defined by what the scale says but by the changes within, starting with my relationship with my Father. So here's to taking another journey with this Princess Bride who is loved unconditionally by her Heavenly Daddy. Im sure many updates with struggles, successes and failures will ensue but I know through it all I will never be alone. Thankful for you guys who follow my ramblings and earnestly pray for me. :) And blessed to have the most amazing man who encourages me through it all and never ceases to challenge me.
Here's to my journey back to a healthy way of life....starting with my always growing relationship with my Heavenly Father and ending with a renewed mind, spirit, and body :)

Confessions of a can't get turned back around snowflake noticing bride.....

Where do I begin. Im tired, more than tired......im exhausted. It has been more than two months since I have last written and a lot has changed since then.....or maybe nothing has, i can't remember any more.

Im working two jobs and the new place is one of the hardest jobs i have ever had. But im enjoying it, most days. Then there are days like today when I just want to tell people i dont care, and there is no reason for their terrible attitude just because they can't have it their way. Im not perfect, im gonna make mistakes so back off. Why do people have to be so rude and mean anyway?

I have bitten off way to much, and now im choking down the pieces. When will I ever learn? I need a break, Im ready to go home and see my family. More than anything my time here has grown significantly lonely in the last couple of months. People are in bed when i leave in the morning and ready for bed when i get home most evenings. And if i have a spare half a day off all i want to do is relax at home and just enjoy the time i have.

I keep telling myself just three more weeks and this will all be over..... :) Something to look forward to. Im a look forward to something kind of gal. I need that. It soothes my soul, reminds me the storm wont last forever, that my Anchor is still holding.

Im afraid my Anchor is holding and the line has continued to go out and I can't seem to find where to meet it again. You know that moment when you realize you have lost something, and there is that tiny twinge of panic because you cant remember where you left it to save your life. I feel that twinge of panic daily because as hard as im trying to reach the place i walked away i can't seem to find it and im only going in circles.
How pathetic, how sad you say.......i know. How do you get so far from home and sometimes you even realize your going the wrong way and yet you feel as though you can't turn yourself around.
I think im there, in the can't get turned back around part.

No im not into anything outwardly that would make you gasp with your hand covering your mouth, but it's a heart thing. I know it, I miss my Daddy. He never moved but I can't seem to find Him. I haven't lost my way im just sorta stuck ya know.
But you know what's so amazingly incredible.....He's waiting for me. Ya know how i know....
a snowflake landed on my windshield the other day
And then there was another one, and another one, and before I knew it there were a bagillion little snowflakes covering my window.....and a single tear had formed and found it's way down from my tired eyes. They were all different. Not a single one was the same as those that had fallen before it. Every design was as intricate as though it's creator had spent countless hours perfecting it. And in that moment I looked around and realized the piles of snow were filled with tiny little snow flakes each one more precious and different than the one before it. Thats how I know He hasn't given up. Im different, im intricate, im special. And my Daddy has spent countless hours perfecting who I am to Him. Im His daughter, His baby, the one He gave everything for, the one He gave HIS life for.
He loves me, He misses me.
So please pray for me.....cause I miss Him too. I miss feeling as though He's holding my heart. Pray I would let go and allow my self to get turned back around and to take those steps back to Him, or to allow Him to pull me back to His safe harbor.
Isn't my Daddy amazing!!!
When was the last time you took a moment to realize how different and intricate you really are. It trully is a beautiful thing my precious friend. To think there are more than a billion people on this earth and each one is different and unique. Crazy huh?
And people wonder why I love the snow soo much, now I have an even better answer.....it's drawing me back home where i belong :)