Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Confessions of a Journey of Faith Bride....

When people use the word faith, everyone instinctively just nods their head as though they understand what you are talking about....as though they truly "get it."
When we felt the Lord nudging our hearts to move we had no idea how this journey would all play out, where we would end up, or the path the Lord would pave before us to get us here.

When you look up the word Faith you may get many definitions and a few I stumbled across were:

Faith (noun)- Firm belief in something for which there is no proof: complete trust. Strong belief or trust in someone or something.

What some would call "faith", I proclaimed as crazy....

Crazy (adjective)-Full of cracks or flaws: unsound. being out of the ordinary: unusual

Yep...this plan, this unavoidable urge that began above a sink full of dirty dishes....this wasn't faith, this was most certainly crazy.
But in the midst of the crazy we found the faith to move mountains.

Grab a snack, get yourself a cup of whatever and put your feet up......this promises to be awesome!

In just a month and a half we went from a nudge in our hearts to full fledged crazy faith.....quitting jobs, packing up our home-the only home our babies have known, saying heart wrenching good byes, bidding farewell to a church we prayed constantly for during the first three years of our marriage, and trekked back to a place neither of us have ever wanted to live...and I was certain I would never call home again.
Hello Florida!!!!

This journey was hands down the worst trip ever! Literally just a few short minutes into our trip a crate fell over on Bella and Ezra leaving them covered in canned goods and broken glass. Panicked, I pulled over to the side of the road to rescue my screaming baby and terrified dog from a bloody disaster I just knew was bound to result. After tossing things on the side of the road and insuring I had every broken piece of glass cleaned up I safely buckled myself up and prepared to meet my beloved at the gas station where he was patiently waiting for me.....only to discover the torrential rains from the past two days (that only seemed to appear when we tried to load the moving truck) had softened my patch of grass into a slight mud pit and I was officially stuck in the ditch......most certainly waiting to just roll over because I just knew the van was slowly tilting into disaster.
But!
But the Lord knew...
Waiting at the gas station was also a stranger with a sensitive heart....and a massive truck...that just happened to have a tow strap thing (think Jurassic Park where the big guy gets stuck in the rain and wraps the wire thing around a tree to help himself out before all the creepy dinosaurs spit poison in his eyes.....that thing!!). This gentleman came to my rescue and pulled us out of the muddy ditch....not to mention best friends hubby coming to make sure I was okay (hero!).
 



Sweet Freedom.....and we were back on the road :)

I will save you from the dreadful details of how a simple 7 hour trip took us a mind numbing 17 HOURS!!! I never want to repeat it....seriously!
But!
Just for you Best Friend!!!

We made it!! Only to literally drive into another mishap of this journey....by this point there was literally only two options....cry or laugh....usually I cry, its true...we all know it. However, we chose to laugh because only the Lord could orchestrate the insanity headed our way over the next couple hours.
When we reserved our Uhaul truck we also reserved our storage unit....I called a week in advance to make sure everything was lined up and exactly what we had asked for, I even spoke to the manager to save myself a sure fire headache when we arrived. Sure enough, we get here and the storage unit we reserved doesn't even exist!! Are you kidding me?! After going over everything with the manager all he had to say was...."well, what do you want me to do? We got you a unit". Yes sir, you sure did.....after you had to put us in an inside unit-which we specifically didn't want, and charged us after hours fees-which were supposed to come with the rental and was why we chose your place over all the other ones. If that wasn't bad enough the workers were so rude, kept telling us two different things, and the lot was so small it would only lead to more disasters.
 After Grant was told to maneuver the truck out of the way so people could pass by he had to try and get around all of the other trucks parked all over the lot and he accidently ran into another truck.....I died! I seriously think I stopped living in that moment! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! All I could think is "you are physically hitting another Uhaul truck in this moment.....I mean, truck against now jacked up car tow dolly thing...and there is no turning back because the truck physically cant fit through the tiny space in which they told you you had to go" Dead, I am dying!
But!
But the Lord knew.....there is a reason you marry a man who doesn't skimp on insurance! The entire episode was covered (by episode I totally mean BILL). This is also the reason the Lord blessed me with the calmest man that must exist on the face of the planet!! He literally got out of the truck, inspected his path, and trekked on until the truck was where it needed to go and never said anything....I am not even sure he blinked...meanwhile they were busy resuscitating me.
By now we just had to take a day to recover....but we so don't roll that way so we got to searching for a place to live. Grant had a couple job interviews to get to and I had been in touch with a place to live. We had been praying the Lord would provide both a job and a place to live in the first two weeks.....mainly so as to not inconvenience family, we didn't want to endure transitioning the boys to another house, and with a job soon we wouldn't miss out on too many checks for financial reasons.
But!
But the Lord knew....Grant was offered two different jobs in the first few days, and we were anxiously waiting to hear back from the place to live. After praying and weighing the pros and cons of each job Grant went with the job that was similar to what he was previously doing....huge PRAISE!! Within minutes of getting the call that Grant could start work on Tuesday the phone rang and we found out we also got the place to rent we were hoping for. Only about 15 minutes from Grants new job, it was on the opposite side of town we were thinking we wanted to be but fit everything else we were praying for :)










Seriously...by this point I have no words to describe the amount of detail the Lord has instilled in every step of this journey.....the little bumps to the massive praises and all the in between that I didn't even share.
No one else could have orchestrated things in such a beautiful way that through every single trial we have faced on this journey the end result was something bigger and better than we could have planned for ourselves. More than I even dared to imagine for us.

There is something so priceless about knowing you are doing exactly what the Lord asked of you even though it may not make sense to anyone else....even to other believers.
I remember Grant and I talking about those that stepped out in faith in the bible before this move, mostly because I was panicking haha, and I remember mentioning Abraham....he just went, he didn't even know where he was going! All he received was the word to "Go" and he went....no "so God, I have been traveling for a bit now you think you may clue a dude into whats up ahead" or "umm....I passed Go a few miles back...should I be collecting that $200 now"....seriously, nothing. I am so thankful for a direction....we knew exactly where the road would lead and we knew it wouldn't be a lonesome journey.
I must admit that now that we are here I have anxiously been asking "now what?" I have no answer for that as of yet I just know that this is where we are for now....I don't know how long "now" is, but I know I want to soak up all that the Lord has for us in this moment.

What some would call "faith", I proclaimed as crazy.....

And this journey is crazy...it is full of cracks and flaws and far from the ordinary but with complete trust in the Lord to guide us we found an even deeper faith, a faith I didn't know I possessed. A faith that moved mountains when we only saw obstacles, a faith that proved to us that God has got this every step of the way, a faith that reminds us He knows our hearts better than we do.

A crazy faith.....and I couldn't imagine it being any other way :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Confessions of an observant Bride....

I see you.

You think I am just your cashier, that I am mindlessly scanning your items and bagging them like I did the person before you.

But, I see you.

I noticed when you looked around before placing your items on the belt, how you laid things on top of the item you hoped no one noticed...you hoped I wouldn't notice.

I noticed you never met my eyes, how your smile wasn't genuine. I saw the slight tremble of your hand as you handed your cash over. Cash to pay for your purchase. Cash to pay for your morning after pill.

I see you.

The dirty, and tattered clothes a size too small. I see your hair hasn't been brushed, and your nails haven't been cleaned. I  notice how you chatter non stop as though I am the first person to speak a kind word to you all day. I noticed when your guardian told you to shut up, how you shrank into the cart as though you thought you may be able to disappear. How the light dimmed a little in your eyes and you no longer wanted to chat.

I see you.

I see you when you slowly place your items in my hands and I can see your mind working quickly. You place the diapers, wipes, and baby food first knowing those are the items that are for your little ones. I see you shyly swipe your card praying no one notices you had to use "government money" to help feed your growing family. I heard you when you said you wouldn't be getting those last three food items.....I understood the real reason why. I tried to communicate with my eyes that I understood....but you refused to meet mine.

I see you.

He sees you too.

 "You always think I'm somewhere on a mountain top
But never think behind bars
You'd be amazed the places that I'd go to be with you
Where you are

So forget what you've heard
What you think that you know
There's a lot about me
That's never been told

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Rumor has it there's a gavel in my hand
I'm only here to condemn
But let me tell you secrets you would've never known
I think of you as my best friend

So much has been said
Even done in my name
But I'm showing you now
Who I really am

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Let me open your eyes to see the heart of me, differently
Come closer than you've ever been
Let me in like never before
Bring me every broken part
The wounds and scars of who you are
And hide in me and you will see

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am"
MORE THAN YOU THINK I AM
Danny Gokey


Thursday, October 23, 2014

Confessions of an unsettled bride

There He was....kneeling in the garden. Alone. As He prayed, drops of blood poured from His brow and landed in the quiet of night. He knew the others had quietly slipped into a slumber. He heard nothing and yet felt everything.....everything this one decision would soon bring upon Him. "Father if you are willing, let this cup pass from me, yet not my will, but yours be done" 
In the midst of everything He knew was coming Jesus still had the heart to say "not my will, but yours be done".
Sometimes it is so hard to distinguish the plan The Lord has for your life, and other times it is staring you right in the face. As my mom would say "if it was a snake it would have bitten you".
Grant and I have been earnestly praying for weeks now that The Lord would give us direction....would open doors to allow us to move forward and close doors that would hinder that movement if it wasn't what The Lord has prepared for our family. It seems as though more and more doors are closing lately and we have been left to wonder what exactly The Lord is doing in our lives. What direction and path He has prepared for us. We have had many wise believers pour into our lives over the last few weeks, countless conversations, buckets of tears, wisdom beyond our understanding lavishly and lovingly shared in hopes to ease our troubled hearts......and still nothing. It almost seems as if The Lord is no longer listening...almost. What a mighty God we serve that even in the darkest of valleys and scariest of uncertainties, where it not only concerns you but the lives you have been blessed and entrusted with, The Lord shows His heart. 
I have no idea why The Lord has us in this place...but I do know He wants us to trust Him.
Oh....trust...how I loathe you and yet cling to you as though you were all I have left...you are all that we have left. We know The Lord promises to guide us and keep us but not knowing where or how is so so scary. 
My heart has been so unsettled lately....almost to the point of making me physically ill. I have prayed, cried, begged, and prayed some more that The Lord would help me to trust His plan even if it isn't the plan I am expecting. I don't want to miss what The Lord is doing for us and in us....even though it hurts right now, even though it is scary, even though the end result may not be quite what we had in mind. 
My prayers usually find their way in music and a song that has continually come to my heart and been sung from my lips is "Settle Me Now" by Charles Billingsley
I find myself so far ahead of you
My minds racing when I think about all I could do for you
Anticipating
What's beyond the door that leads to tomorrow 
Oh my heart is weary, and I feel so uneasy
Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment 
You've got so much to show me 
And I know, I know i need you
Settle me now- oh Lord please draw me closer
Let me feel your presence 
Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow 
Oh, settle me now
So here I am longing to know your will
And I keep praying I know you know it's hard to be still 
But my heart keeps waiting
You'd think by now I would've learned to just trust you
Oh, but I've been so busy, that's why I'm so uneasy 
So many times I have appeared to be the strong one
When deep inside I wanted to run and hide
And Lord I've always looked to you for all the answers 
But it seems today I've got a fragile faith
Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment
You've got so much to show me 
And I know, I know I need you
Settle me now-oh Lord please draw me closer 
Let me feel your presence
Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow
Oh, settle me now

Love this! How desperately my heart needs to just settle, even in the midst of knowing the Lord will take care of us the fear of not knowing HOW threatens to overwhelm me. 
How precious to the Father is it to hear His children say "not my will Father, but yours be done".....

Please if you think of us lift us up in your prayers.....mostly for wisdom and tenderness. Wisdom that Grant would know the direction The Lord is leading, to be willing to push on cracked doors and walk away from closed ones. For our financial situation....that The Lord will bless us enough to keep us above the red until He shows us where and what to do that will be best for our family, and the most important, tenderness....to be okay with that direction even if it differs from what we have in our own minds and hearts. That we will feel the prodding of our Fathers hand leading us and that we will be sensitive to the needs of our little guys during this.....a stressed mommy has not made for the most loving mommy in certain moments. We covet your prayers and thank you for loving our little family. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Confessions of a lame blogging bride...

Once again my dear sweet friend we meet.....after many months, and many many changes. 
As you may have noticed I truly do stink at keeping this thing updated....I try...I do, and yet somehow life seems to just get too busy.
Life is too busy for blogging, for dishes, for laundry, for painting my nails.... In fact, an exact conversation I had with my beloved this evening went a little something like this.
Me-"ugh! I didn't get anything I wanted to accomplish done today"
Him-"like what?"
Me-"my nails"
Bah! True story....and I don't even know why I was "busy".

Do you ever stop for just a second to wonder what keeps you so busy? I know sparing a second could quite possibly through your entire day into turmoil but seriously....
As a mother of two young boys I find myself saying that so often, "I'm busy".
But the truth of the matter most days, and especially lately, it's not so much a physical busy as it is another kind of busy.
I love that verse that talks about "be still and know that I am God"......KNOW...it is so much deeper than you tend to grasp when you skip over it in Sunday school "because they always say that kind of stuff".
It's a tangible, up close and personal, in your face, kind of knowing. And the only way you get there....is by being still. Physically yes, but when was the last time we allowed not only our bodies but our minds and hearts to be still? Not the cliche take a moment and just focus on what The Lord would have you do....but a stop everything, hold the phone, let me focus (girl! Get on up in that prayer closet), kind of being still! 



Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Confessions of a grieving bride....

It's been a while and so much has happened in what seems like mere moments....
I last posted a thankful speech, I spent time reliving that post for what seemed like hours and was in fact just a few minutes of time.
Crazy how life can change so much and so unexpectedly. I am still so overly thankful, and these days I cherish each and every moment just a little bit more.
Most already know my father passed away unexpectedly in February.
You often times hear of those gut wrenching, heart stopping, life altering moments you never want to experience and now I have one of my own. My mom took him to the hospital thinking he had the flu and he never came home. I got a call from my mom 2.5 weeks later asking me to come home. We got there on a Thursday morning and expected to stay until we got results from a biopsy the hospital had scheduled. On Friday afternoon my mom and I sat down with a doctor so he could give us an update and all I hear now is "you father has days"....all I remember is repeating over and over "days? what do you mean days? days? are you sure?" and the doctor replying with "I am off tomorrow, I will be back Sunday and I hope your father is still here".
I couldn't even cry....surely this "educated man" has no idea what he is talking about.
This is my dad, the man with the best navy stories, the man who named me, the man who sat on the very edge of his bed reading his bible for hours, who stayed up all hours of the night playing video games, who watched the Superbowl with me, who rocked his legs until it drove everyone else nuts, who could be heard snoring all the way down the street, who combed his little strips of hair over and refused to cut them off, who cracked up in the middle of his stories until he broke into a coughing spell. Surely he can't be talking about the man who watched me graduate high school, the man who walked me down the aisle, the man who held my first born son...just one time, the man who was only blessed to see my little boy on three different occasions.....this doctor, this man sitting across from me had to be wrong. And yet, I knew deep in my heart that he wasn't....I somehow knew the moment my mom called to tell me they admitted my father that the news would not be good...I never expected it to be down right devastating.
We had two short days, Thursday when I arrived and Friday when I went to visit him. Saturday morning we arrived at the hospital to find he was sedated and had to be placed on a breathing machine in the night to keep him alive. Monday afternoon he passed away.
Most say time heals all wounds but I don't think that is true, I think some are left open and tender to make you remember.
I  know the logical believer in me tries to dwell on the fact that scripture says "our life is a vapor and we are not promised tomorrow", and how true those very words are. Yet the broken heart inside me screams "though I am not promised tomorrow it is now a guarantee for my dad". How a broken heart screams against logic when it is aching and shattered.
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my father is in heaven, he is not floating around on a newly earned pair of angel wings, but he is rejoicing with the King of Kings. He has seen the Savior of the world face to face. He has been welcomed home with nail pierced hands and eyes that burn like fire.
It's so hard to think that of my siblings I was the one that left home and had such little time with him these past four years, to think he will never spend the same amount of time with my kids as he did with my nieces and nephews, he will never meet my future children and get to share his stories with them on this side of glory.
It's hard to find a balance when your heart is shattered and yet you know with absolute certainty that the person whom you loved is in a better place. I am so thankful that I have a Comforter in the Holy Spirit and that He draws near to the broken hearted.
My father was an extraordinary man and I only wish that I had more time to spend with him.  I am so thankful for the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father for restoring our relationship when I was 14 and making every moment I had with him sweeter than the last. I am so thankful he was able to see me graduate, to walk me down the aisle, and to hold my first born son.
If you knew my father...you are blessed....you may not see it that way because he could be kind of quirky...but trust me, you are blessed beyond measure.


I guess all of this was spurred on because I heard Laura Story's song "Blessings" on the way home from the store. If you know me at all you know my love for music.....how sweet the words were this evening as I sat in a parking lot and cried while my son slept soundly in the seat behind me.

                                                       "Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

                                      One out of two pics I have of my dad holding Isaiah
                                      My dad and I when I graduated from Word of Life