Confessions of an unsettled bride

There He was....kneeling in the garden. Alone. As He prayed, drops of blood poured from His brow and landed in the quiet of night. He knew the others had quietly slipped into a slumber. He heard nothing and yet felt everything.....everything this one decision would soon bring upon Him. "Father if you are willing, let this cup pass from me, yet not my will, but yours be done" 

In the midst of everything He knew was coming Jesus still had the heart to say "not my will, but yours be done".

Sometimes it is so hard to distinguish the plan The Lord has for your life, and other times it is staring you right in the face. As my mom would say "if it was a snake it would have bitten you".

Grant and I have been earnestly praying for weeks now that The Lord would give us direction....would open doors to allow us to move forward and close doors that would hinder that movement if it wasn't what The Lord has prepared for our family. It seems as though more and more doors are closing lately and we have been left to wonder what exactly The Lord is doing in our lives. What direction and path He has prepared for us. We have had many wise believers pour into our lives over the last few weeks, countless conversations, buckets of tears, wisdom beyond our understanding lavishly and lovingly shared in hopes to ease our troubled hearts......and still nothing. It almost seems as if The Lord is no longer listening...almost. What a mighty God we serve that even in the darkest of valleys and scariest of uncertainties, where it not only concerns you but the lives you have been blessed and entrusted with, The Lord shows His heart. 

I have no idea why The Lord has us in this place...but I do know He wants us to trust Him.

Oh....trust...how I loathe you and yet cling to you as though you were all I have left...you are all that we have left. We know The Lord promises to guide us and keep us but not knowing where or how is so so scary. 

My heart has been so unsettled lately....almost to the point of making me physically ill. I have prayed, cried, begged, and prayed some more that The Lord would help me to trust His plan even if it isn't the plan I am expecting. I don't want to miss what The Lord is doing for us and in us....even though it hurts right now, even though it is scary, even though the end result may not be quite what we had in mind. 

My prayers usually find their way in music and a song that has continually come to my heart and been sung from my lips is "Settle Me Now" by Charles Billingsley

I find myself so far ahead of you

My minds racing when I think about all I could do for you

Anticipating

What's beyond the door that leads to tomorrow 

Oh my heart is weary, and I feel so uneasy

Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment 

You've got so much to show me 

And I know, I know i need you

Settle me now- oh Lord please draw me closer

Let me feel your presence 

Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow 

Oh, settle me now

So here I am longing to know your will

And I keep praying I know you know it's hard to be still 

But my heart keeps waiting

You'd think by now I would've learned to just trust you

Oh, but I've been so busy, that's why I'm so uneasy 

So many times I have appeared to be the strong one

When deep inside I wanted to run and hide

And Lord I've always looked to you for all the answers 

But it seems today I've got a fragile faith

Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment

You've got so much to show me 

And I know, I know I need you

Settle me now-oh Lord please draw me closer 

Let me feel your presence

Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow

Oh, settle me now

Love this! How desperately my heart needs to just settle, even in the midst of knowing the Lord will take care of us the fear of not knowing HOW threatens to overwhelm me. 

How precious to the Father is it to hear His children say "not my will Father, but yours be done".....

Please if you think of us lift us up in your prayers.....mostly for wisdom and tenderness. Wisdom that Grant would know the direction The Lord is leading, to be willing to push on cracked doors and walk away from closed ones. For our financial situation....that The Lord will bless us enough to keep us above the red until He shows us where and what to do that will be best for our family, and the most important, tenderness....to be okay with that direction even if it differs from what we have in our own minds and hearts. That we will feel the prodding of our Fathers hand leading us and that we will be sensitive to the needs of our little guys during this.....a stressed mommy has not made for the most loving mommy in certain moments. We covet your prayers and thank you for loving our little family.