Confessions of a crying bride....

It's late.... I should be asleep because 5 am comes awfully early but here I am because the obvious decision to curl up in bed alone resulted in an out of nowhere emotional break down. (surprise!)
I need a friend, not a cookie cutter friend who would hug me and say "oh it's okay" but a real friend. I feel like it's my first day in Minnesota all over again, and its pretty much breaking my heart right now. I thought I was over this, but im not. It's supposed to be okay now but it's not.

I have rewritten a paragraph and deleted it three times now for fear that I may hurt people's feelings, either that or you would think i was insane. Maybe i just needed to cry as i got it all out. Maybe i just need to cry. Cry for what was, cry for what isn't, cry for what im desperate for, cry because i remember how things were and how i want them so badly to be again, cry because that's never gonna be, and cry because it hurts.....

Cry because i miss my Daddy, cry because i want the relationship i used to have,  and cry because im not really sure how to get it back. 

And cry because no matter how hard you try to be you will never be the friend i need..... unless you are.
but i will never know because i will never cry to you..... because you aren't here.
No one is.....as hard as i try on this night i cant think of anything else but my times at Word of Life. It will never be the same and tonight of all nights feels as though someone has punched me right in the gut with that realization and i can't get past it. Not the place..... the people. People who cared, ministry.

My head hurts....im gonna be feeling this in a few hours time i know it.
I swear im not insane, I just miss the fact that i used to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord as much as I do, who weren't afraid to call me out on something, or to question when they saw me hurting, who knew me enough to see the hurt i would never speak aloud.  here i go deleting sentences again for fear of hurting someone.... oh well i bet those people dont even read my ramblings

I should sleep, im better now....okay at least im not bawling my eyes out, that counts for something right? Blogging always makes me feel a little better, or at least puts my heart right in front of me to evaluate.

Good night

PS......I wish you were that friend, and more than anything i wish you were here

Confessions of a walking away different bride.....

I went to work today and walked away a tiny bit more different then i had expected all because of one small phone call.

Today like every day i work I am expected to make calls hoping that someone will want to set up an appt to come and get portraits done of their tiny little ones, or larger than expected ones and today I did just that. Until I called someone and hung up the phone being more shocked and speechless and heart broken than i had expected.
This is so and so from such and such, we have a special would you like to set up an appt.? Silence and then.... earth shattering sobs....."we wont be back, my baby died yesterday".......
I wasn't sure I heard correctly until I realized the sobs weren't the tiny ones like when you fall off your bike in the first grade and skin your knee in front of the older kids but the kind that rock your world from the very core of your being. The kind that make everyone around you realize your life has just changed forever and no matter how much they try to make it okay it never will be.
It was so awful......and then I realized I knew that name. I knew that baby. Not personally, but I took their photos. The one time they came in, it was me behind the camera hoping to catch a glimpse of a smile from their precious little one.

It was a call that lasted little more than a brief moment as i numbly told her im so very sorry and heard the tiny break of a mother who would never hold her precious baby again mistaking it for the click of a phone as it was being hung up. I have thought of little more since that. I still dont have the words to say but I can still see their faces, i can still hear her voice and her shattered world.
It's moments like this that I dont quite understand....and i know sometimes we aren't meant to but still it's hard. I can't imagine what that family is going through and i know this may sound selfish but i never want to know. I pray the Lord gives them the comfort they need to just survive their next moment, that He gives them the wisdom and strength to face this journey ahead. More than anything I pray He never allows me to forget the way I feel this very moment, the way I felt with the phone just grasped in my palm wishing I could say something with a little more substance, something that might make it okay, I pray He never allows me to forget the compassion and love that swelled for a complete stranger with a broken heart. That is what has always drawn me to the cross and did so once again today. Knowing that I have a Savior who understands our brokeness. Understands when we dont have the words to tell it like it is. When our words have turned into earth shattering sobs and nothing anyone says will ever make it okay again. We have a Daddy who doesn't need our words, He only wants our trust. As hard as that is it is often all we have to give.....
Lord help me to love like You......Comfort this family tonight as they face the hard road ahead. Bring someone to share You with them if they dont already know, or maybe if they have forgotten. Bless this family Lord the way only you know how, help them through this, guide their steps and help them pick up the pieces. Amen