It seems amazing to me that no matter how hard you try sometimes things just dont work out. Im kind of surprised that this sort of thing amazes me but low and behold it does.
It's my day off, I got up early ready to spend the day in a joyful mood and first thing the hubsters and I have a disagreement...lasted maybe five seconds because thats the way we do things....fix it, figure it, compromise, and or understand what was "really" being said and then move on as though it was no big deal (because we all know 99.9% of the time it really is no big deal), then off to a wonderfully sweet time with a dear friend, and then super looking forward to my small group that i have been trying to get to whenever im off. I get all ready, head over there, and then waited in the car for 35 minutes and then.......nothing. No one showed! Either it was cancelled, they met some where else, or they were all inside the whole time and i was just too chicken to go knock. P.s the dog scares me so i must admit i was to chicken and didnt go check.
I was really looking forward to this time and then nothing. im so frustrated.....why do some things have to be soo stinking hard. Is it to much to ask for just a little bit of fellowship around here......I really am just.....rahhh!
And here I sit knowing I have a terrible attitude because I didnt get to fellowship with other believers.....how hypocritical of me and yet im trying to be joyful about the whole situation and all of these frustrated irritated thoughts keep coming up. The number one......Lord really? Why couldnt you just let them be there, we could have talked about You and I would have gone home feeling so light hearted and happy and praise You the rest of the day! Why did you have to go and mess up my day?
Okay can you just re-read my prayer...... It was honest and awful. I didnt even realize it until i had it out but thats how I felt. I immediately had some one on one time with my Daddy and had to ask Him to forgive me, it broke my heart to be such a bratty little girl about how my day was "ruined" because I didnt get to spend time with my small group. Why am I always that way, why is it that I can have a beautiful day and then something comes up and I let it ruin everything and then I wallow around with a woe is me attitude and infect everything. I could see it now Grant would come home and I would pout and probably try to pick some kind of petty fight and then make him feel like it was his fault just to get some pity and make me feel better.
Oh GROW UP!!! I mean really, is that the kind of woman i want to be?? The kind of wife i want to be? no way.....and yet I am. Just because things dont go my way....how selfish!
It was and is a terrible humbling experience. I have been attempting to study through Loving God with all Your Mind by Elizabeth George and amazingly enough im still on chapter one because im really trying to get it through my big fat head....but she picks out Phillipians 4:8
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
If you travel down to verse 9 at the very end of that verse Paul says something rather earth shattering to me but he says in the KJV "and the God of Peace shall be with you"
Waaa-aa-aiitt just a minute....hold the phone. The God of Peace? I dont know about you but when i am frantically obsessing because my day was "ruined" and im secretly plotting to get some attention to make my day better my mind nor my heart are at peace. What does that say about me and how I have allowed satan to have a tiny foothold into my day. It is soo very easy as you can see by my perfect example to just throw in the towel the minute things dont work out OUR way.
But we have a Gracious and oh so Loving Father who reminds us (by occasionally ripping the rug from under us so we are lying flat on our face with no where to look but up) that He still loves us and still has a plan for us and i can promise you 100% of the time that plan is better than our own.
Now that I look back I feel so silly that not even an hour ago I was trying to plot how to get back at God, my husband, and anyone else I came into contact with today just because I didnt get to spend time worshiping. I mean i chuckle just reading that because it is just so ridiculous when you think about it (actually it's so bad you dont even have to think about it and it will make you laugh).
How often do we allow a few tiny bumps in the road, or maybe mountains in the road detour us from Praising our God no matter what. I can honestly say it affects me more than I would like to admit. However once you start thinking about just how ridiculous you begin to sound you begin to see that you have strayed from thinking about the true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things and begin to dwell on the negative, deceiving, lies that we often fall prey to. We have learned the true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things, the Word tells us that, we just have to dwell on them, commit them to memory. How vitally important it is to daily renew our minds with the things of Christ. We serve a God of Peace even in the midst of storms or silly missed small group meetings we just need to remember that.
I love that the Lord can take a mere hour to change my heart and attitude in the midst of teaching me something earth shattering that will always stick with me. Man we really do serve an AWESOME God!! I guess today I didnt need the small group i just needed the lesson that came without them.
Thank You Daddy. :)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Confessions of a crying bride....
It's late.... I should be asleep because 5 am comes awfully early but here I am because the obvious decision to curl up in bed alone resulted in an out of nowhere emotional break down. (surprise!)
I need a friend, not a cookie cutter friend who would hug me and say "oh it's okay" but a real friend. I feel like it's my first day in Minnesota all over again, and its pretty much breaking my heart right now. I thought I was over this, but im not. It's supposed to be okay now but it's not.
I have rewritten a paragraph and deleted it three times now for fear that I may hurt people's feelings, either that or you would think i was insane. Maybe i just needed to cry as i got it all out. Maybe i just need to cry. Cry for what was, cry for what isn't, cry for what im desperate for, cry because i remember how things were and how i want them so badly to be again, cry because that's never gonna be, and cry because it hurts.....
Cry because i miss my Daddy, cry because i want the relationship i used to have, and cry because im not really sure how to get it back.
And cry because no matter how hard you try to be you will never be the friend i need..... unless you are.
but i will never know because i will never cry to you..... because you aren't here.
No one is.....as hard as i try on this night i cant think of anything else but my times at Word of Life. It will never be the same and tonight of all nights feels as though someone has punched me right in the gut with that realization and i can't get past it. Not the place..... the people. People who cared, ministry.
My head hurts....im gonna be feeling this in a few hours time i know it.
I swear im not insane, I just miss the fact that i used to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord as much as I do, who weren't afraid to call me out on something, or to question when they saw me hurting, who knew me enough to see the hurt i would never speak aloud. here i go deleting sentences again for fear of hurting someone.... oh well i bet those people dont even read my ramblings
I should sleep, im better now....okay at least im not bawling my eyes out, that counts for something right? Blogging always makes me feel a little better, or at least puts my heart right in front of me to evaluate.
Good night
PS......I wish you were that friend, and more than anything i wish you were here
I need a friend, not a cookie cutter friend who would hug me and say "oh it's okay" but a real friend. I feel like it's my first day in Minnesota all over again, and its pretty much breaking my heart right now. I thought I was over this, but im not. It's supposed to be okay now but it's not.
I have rewritten a paragraph and deleted it three times now for fear that I may hurt people's feelings, either that or you would think i was insane. Maybe i just needed to cry as i got it all out. Maybe i just need to cry. Cry for what was, cry for what isn't, cry for what im desperate for, cry because i remember how things were and how i want them so badly to be again, cry because that's never gonna be, and cry because it hurts.....
Cry because i miss my Daddy, cry because i want the relationship i used to have, and cry because im not really sure how to get it back.
And cry because no matter how hard you try to be you will never be the friend i need..... unless you are.
but i will never know because i will never cry to you..... because you aren't here.
No one is.....as hard as i try on this night i cant think of anything else but my times at Word of Life. It will never be the same and tonight of all nights feels as though someone has punched me right in the gut with that realization and i can't get past it. Not the place..... the people. People who cared, ministry.
My head hurts....im gonna be feeling this in a few hours time i know it.
I swear im not insane, I just miss the fact that i used to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord as much as I do, who weren't afraid to call me out on something, or to question when they saw me hurting, who knew me enough to see the hurt i would never speak aloud. here i go deleting sentences again for fear of hurting someone.... oh well i bet those people dont even read my ramblings
I should sleep, im better now....okay at least im not bawling my eyes out, that counts for something right? Blogging always makes me feel a little better, or at least puts my heart right in front of me to evaluate.
Good night
PS......I wish you were that friend, and more than anything i wish you were here
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Confessions of a walking away different bride.....
I went to work today and walked away a tiny bit more different then i had expected all because of one small phone call.
Today like every day i work I am expected to make calls hoping that someone will want to set up an appt to come and get portraits done of their tiny little ones, or larger than expected ones and today I did just that. Until I called someone and hung up the phone being more shocked and speechless and heart broken than i had expected.
This is so and so from such and such, we have a special would you like to set up an appt.? Silence and then.... earth shattering sobs....."we wont be back, my baby died yesterday".......
I wasn't sure I heard correctly until I realized the sobs weren't the tiny ones like when you fall off your bike in the first grade and skin your knee in front of the older kids but the kind that rock your world from the very core of your being. The kind that make everyone around you realize your life has just changed forever and no matter how much they try to make it okay it never will be.
It was so awful......and then I realized I knew that name. I knew that baby. Not personally, but I took their photos. The one time they came in, it was me behind the camera hoping to catch a glimpse of a smile from their precious little one.
It was a call that lasted little more than a brief moment as i numbly told her im so very sorry and heard the tiny break of a mother who would never hold her precious baby again mistaking it for the click of a phone as it was being hung up. I have thought of little more since that. I still dont have the words to say but I can still see their faces, i can still hear her voice and her shattered world.
It's moments like this that I dont quite understand....and i know sometimes we aren't meant to but still it's hard. I can't imagine what that family is going through and i know this may sound selfish but i never want to know. I pray the Lord gives them the comfort they need to just survive their next moment, that He gives them the wisdom and strength to face this journey ahead. More than anything I pray He never allows me to forget the way I feel this very moment, the way I felt with the phone just grasped in my palm wishing I could say something with a little more substance, something that might make it okay, I pray He never allows me to forget the compassion and love that swelled for a complete stranger with a broken heart. That is what has always drawn me to the cross and did so once again today. Knowing that I have a Savior who understands our brokeness. Understands when we dont have the words to tell it like it is. When our words have turned into earth shattering sobs and nothing anyone says will ever make it okay again. We have a Daddy who doesn't need our words, He only wants our trust. As hard as that is it is often all we have to give.....
Lord help me to love like You......Comfort this family tonight as they face the hard road ahead. Bring someone to share You with them if they dont already know, or maybe if they have forgotten. Bless this family Lord the way only you know how, help them through this, guide their steps and help them pick up the pieces. Amen
Today like every day i work I am expected to make calls hoping that someone will want to set up an appt to come and get portraits done of their tiny little ones, or larger than expected ones and today I did just that. Until I called someone and hung up the phone being more shocked and speechless and heart broken than i had expected.
This is so and so from such and such, we have a special would you like to set up an appt.? Silence and then.... earth shattering sobs....."we wont be back, my baby died yesterday".......
I wasn't sure I heard correctly until I realized the sobs weren't the tiny ones like when you fall off your bike in the first grade and skin your knee in front of the older kids but the kind that rock your world from the very core of your being. The kind that make everyone around you realize your life has just changed forever and no matter how much they try to make it okay it never will be.
It was so awful......and then I realized I knew that name. I knew that baby. Not personally, but I took their photos. The one time they came in, it was me behind the camera hoping to catch a glimpse of a smile from their precious little one.
It was a call that lasted little more than a brief moment as i numbly told her im so very sorry and heard the tiny break of a mother who would never hold her precious baby again mistaking it for the click of a phone as it was being hung up. I have thought of little more since that. I still dont have the words to say but I can still see their faces, i can still hear her voice and her shattered world.
It's moments like this that I dont quite understand....and i know sometimes we aren't meant to but still it's hard. I can't imagine what that family is going through and i know this may sound selfish but i never want to know. I pray the Lord gives them the comfort they need to just survive their next moment, that He gives them the wisdom and strength to face this journey ahead. More than anything I pray He never allows me to forget the way I feel this very moment, the way I felt with the phone just grasped in my palm wishing I could say something with a little more substance, something that might make it okay, I pray He never allows me to forget the compassion and love that swelled for a complete stranger with a broken heart. That is what has always drawn me to the cross and did so once again today. Knowing that I have a Savior who understands our brokeness. Understands when we dont have the words to tell it like it is. When our words have turned into earth shattering sobs and nothing anyone says will ever make it okay again. We have a Daddy who doesn't need our words, He only wants our trust. As hard as that is it is often all we have to give.....
Lord help me to love like You......Comfort this family tonight as they face the hard road ahead. Bring someone to share You with them if they dont already know, or maybe if they have forgotten. Bless this family Lord the way only you know how, help them through this, guide their steps and help them pick up the pieces. Amen
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Confessions of a food obsessed transparent bride.....
Some of you will wonder why im posting this and i suppose i could say because i want to help someone else, but i would be lying. I do want to one day be able to look back in hopes that this changed the outlook for another but it's mainly because i need people to stand beside me in this journey. No this wont be easy to say but it's me and it's my life. So please dont judge....
I dont know about you but I love food!! Any kind: Spaghetti, tacos, chinese, burgers, fries, chocolate, cheese cake, Pizza, chips, you name it i will probably fight you for it. I can't get enough....i eat when im tired, bored, lonely, emotional, and sometimes i even eat for the right reason, because im hungry. How horrible you say.... I know...and scary.
Scary because this time two years ago i was obsessed. Not in a healthy way at all, in a desperate need to lose every calorie, or pound that went into my body. No matter what the cost. And I do mean no matter what. It started when I got engaged. I knew i wanted to be beautiful for my future mate and to me beautiful was defined by the number on the scale. Was ONLY defined by the number on the scale. I started counting calories and began to see a difference and that was good enough for awhile. Until it wasn't any more. I was introduced to what starving yourself could do to your body and instead of seeing the hurting person behind it all I saw was a way to take my weight loss to a deeper level. I was obsessed with looking at myself in a mirror and sucking in until you could see my ribs. Instead of filling my plate i would take a tiny spoonful of salad and green beans and only eat half. If i ate more than 800 calories i would hate myself and tell myself i was a failure. If I didnt lie in bed at night and feel hunger pains i had failed that day. And still the number wouldnt move, and I became desperate. My out was eating a meal and then using the excuse that i was gonna shower and go to bed.....because you can purge an entire meal with the shower running and no one would ever know. I was desperate.
And then in my eyes I had done it. The day I said my vows I weighed in at my life time goal of 140 pounds. I had succeeded. I was beautiful.
Or so I thought....
I realize today that no matter what number the scale says it will never define my beauty, no matter what size of jeans i have to squeeze into it wont change my heart. And as wonderful as all of that sounds and what a breakthrough it takes to get here it isn't enough.
Since Grant and I have gotten married those pounds have found their way back home....and it seems...angrier than ever that i once tried to rid my body of them. So here i sit weighing in at 185 once again, and as embarrassing as it is to say that I say it because i have to. I can't allow that number to define me. I look in the mirror some days and I dont see that "fat" girl, i see a desperate girl who wants to do it the right way. But can't find the motivation to get on the treadmill, to not eat another piece, to not sneak another slice.
And my heart has been suffering for it all. Yes my physical heart im sure but im talking even deeper than that. This journey to find my "beauty" has severely severed my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It has been an up hill battle and one that i have been losing. I don't see that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, I see someone that has a huge flaw....God made a mistake.
Weight wise and heart wise, it is impossible to be right with your Father when some days you look at yourself and all you see is a mistake.
So this is my journey..... stepping back to my Daddy who has never made a mistake, ever. And to working on this the right way. To being healthy if and when little unexpected things happen and realizing healthy isn't a number on the scale but my thought process. And that is what is so tattered in this moment, my thought process. To never obsessing but to always finding motivation to give just a little more, or to saying no. To reaching out and realizing that though i may have a million people cheering me on the only hand I want to hold at the finish is my Daddy's. His love endures and this is a journey that I know will test my faith and will power and quite frankly both of those are on shaky foundations...but they do have a foundation. A Godly foundation and I wont give up.
So im asking for cheerleaders, whether that means you cheer me on or you just read my blog to see how im doing but more than either of those Im asking for those of you who will pray for me, when you pass a mirror, or a scale, may you think of me and send up a prayer to our Daddy. I know I can do this.....but i fear resorting to the easy obsessed way. To giving in to the moments where the screaming in my head to just not eat, or to rid my body of what i just ate is louder than the still small voice within. To binge eating just to make myself feel better about something that should have been taken to the Lord in prayer. To loving the feeling of being hungry and the satisfaction and victory that comes in that moment. That isn't an option this time around and I want to remember that. I started by sharing my weight as of today and I will occasionally share what it is but im not sure how often that will be. I dont want this journey to be defined by what the scale says but by the changes within, starting with my relationship with my Father. So here's to taking another journey with this Princess Bride who is loved unconditionally by her Heavenly Daddy. Im sure many updates with struggles, successes and failures will ensue but I know through it all I will never be alone. Thankful for you guys who follow my ramblings and earnestly pray for me. :) And blessed to have the most amazing man who encourages me through it all and never ceases to challenge me.
Here's to my journey back to a healthy way of life....starting with my always growing relationship with my Heavenly Father and ending with a renewed mind, spirit, and body :)
I dont know about you but I love food!! Any kind: Spaghetti, tacos, chinese, burgers, fries, chocolate, cheese cake, Pizza, chips, you name it i will probably fight you for it. I can't get enough....i eat when im tired, bored, lonely, emotional, and sometimes i even eat for the right reason, because im hungry. How horrible you say.... I know...and scary.
Scary because this time two years ago i was obsessed. Not in a healthy way at all, in a desperate need to lose every calorie, or pound that went into my body. No matter what the cost. And I do mean no matter what. It started when I got engaged. I knew i wanted to be beautiful for my future mate and to me beautiful was defined by the number on the scale. Was ONLY defined by the number on the scale. I started counting calories and began to see a difference and that was good enough for awhile. Until it wasn't any more. I was introduced to what starving yourself could do to your body and instead of seeing the hurting person behind it all I saw was a way to take my weight loss to a deeper level. I was obsessed with looking at myself in a mirror and sucking in until you could see my ribs. Instead of filling my plate i would take a tiny spoonful of salad and green beans and only eat half. If i ate more than 800 calories i would hate myself and tell myself i was a failure. If I didnt lie in bed at night and feel hunger pains i had failed that day. And still the number wouldnt move, and I became desperate. My out was eating a meal and then using the excuse that i was gonna shower and go to bed.....because you can purge an entire meal with the shower running and no one would ever know. I was desperate.
And then in my eyes I had done it. The day I said my vows I weighed in at my life time goal of 140 pounds. I had succeeded. I was beautiful.
Or so I thought....
I realize today that no matter what number the scale says it will never define my beauty, no matter what size of jeans i have to squeeze into it wont change my heart. And as wonderful as all of that sounds and what a breakthrough it takes to get here it isn't enough.
Since Grant and I have gotten married those pounds have found their way back home....and it seems...angrier than ever that i once tried to rid my body of them. So here i sit weighing in at 185 once again, and as embarrassing as it is to say that I say it because i have to. I can't allow that number to define me. I look in the mirror some days and I dont see that "fat" girl, i see a desperate girl who wants to do it the right way. But can't find the motivation to get on the treadmill, to not eat another piece, to not sneak another slice.
And my heart has been suffering for it all. Yes my physical heart im sure but im talking even deeper than that. This journey to find my "beauty" has severely severed my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It has been an up hill battle and one that i have been losing. I don't see that i am fearfully and wonderfully made, I see someone that has a huge flaw....God made a mistake.
Weight wise and heart wise, it is impossible to be right with your Father when some days you look at yourself and all you see is a mistake.
So this is my journey..... stepping back to my Daddy who has never made a mistake, ever. And to working on this the right way. To being healthy if and when little unexpected things happen and realizing healthy isn't a number on the scale but my thought process. And that is what is so tattered in this moment, my thought process. To never obsessing but to always finding motivation to give just a little more, or to saying no. To reaching out and realizing that though i may have a million people cheering me on the only hand I want to hold at the finish is my Daddy's. His love endures and this is a journey that I know will test my faith and will power and quite frankly both of those are on shaky foundations...but they do have a foundation. A Godly foundation and I wont give up.
So im asking for cheerleaders, whether that means you cheer me on or you just read my blog to see how im doing but more than either of those Im asking for those of you who will pray for me, when you pass a mirror, or a scale, may you think of me and send up a prayer to our Daddy. I know I can do this.....but i fear resorting to the easy obsessed way. To giving in to the moments where the screaming in my head to just not eat, or to rid my body of what i just ate is louder than the still small voice within. To binge eating just to make myself feel better about something that should have been taken to the Lord in prayer. To loving the feeling of being hungry and the satisfaction and victory that comes in that moment. That isn't an option this time around and I want to remember that. I started by sharing my weight as of today and I will occasionally share what it is but im not sure how often that will be. I dont want this journey to be defined by what the scale says but by the changes within, starting with my relationship with my Father. So here's to taking another journey with this Princess Bride who is loved unconditionally by her Heavenly Daddy. Im sure many updates with struggles, successes and failures will ensue but I know through it all I will never be alone. Thankful for you guys who follow my ramblings and earnestly pray for me. :) And blessed to have the most amazing man who encourages me through it all and never ceases to challenge me.
Here's to my journey back to a healthy way of life....starting with my always growing relationship with my Heavenly Father and ending with a renewed mind, spirit, and body :)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Confessions of a can't get turned back around snowflake noticing bride.....
Where do I begin. Im tired, more than tired......im exhausted. It has been more than two months since I have last written and a lot has changed since then.....or maybe nothing has, i can't remember any more.
Im working two jobs and the new place is one of the hardest jobs i have ever had. But im enjoying it, most days. Then there are days like today when I just want to tell people i dont care, and there is no reason for their terrible attitude just because they can't have it their way. Im not perfect, im gonna make mistakes so back off. Why do people have to be so rude and mean anyway?
I have bitten off way to much, and now im choking down the pieces. When will I ever learn? I need a break, Im ready to go home and see my family. More than anything my time here has grown significantly lonely in the last couple of months. People are in bed when i leave in the morning and ready for bed when i get home most evenings. And if i have a spare half a day off all i want to do is relax at home and just enjoy the time i have.
I keep telling myself just three more weeks and this will all be over..... :) Something to look forward to. Im a look forward to something kind of gal. I need that. It soothes my soul, reminds me the storm wont last forever, that my Anchor is still holding.
Im afraid my Anchor is holding and the line has continued to go out and I can't seem to find where to meet it again. You know that moment when you realize you have lost something, and there is that tiny twinge of panic because you cant remember where you left it to save your life. I feel that twinge of panic daily because as hard as im trying to reach the place i walked away i can't seem to find it and im only going in circles.
How pathetic, how sad you say.......i know. How do you get so far from home and sometimes you even realize your going the wrong way and yet you feel as though you can't turn yourself around.
I think im there, in the can't get turned back around part.
No im not into anything outwardly that would make you gasp with your hand covering your mouth, but it's a heart thing. I know it, I miss my Daddy. He never moved but I can't seem to find Him. I haven't lost my way im just sorta stuck ya know.
But you know what's so amazingly incredible.....He's waiting for me. Ya know how i know....
a snowflake landed on my windshield the other day
And then there was another one, and another one, and before I knew it there were a bagillion little snowflakes covering my window.....and a single tear had formed and found it's way down from my tired eyes. They were all different. Not a single one was the same as those that had fallen before it. Every design was as intricate as though it's creator had spent countless hours perfecting it. And in that moment I looked around and realized the piles of snow were filled with tiny little snow flakes each one more precious and different than the one before it. Thats how I know He hasn't given up. Im different, im intricate, im special. And my Daddy has spent countless hours perfecting who I am to Him. Im His daughter, His baby, the one He gave everything for, the one He gave HIS life for.
He loves me, He misses me.
So please pray for me.....cause I miss Him too. I miss feeling as though He's holding my heart. Pray I would let go and allow my self to get turned back around and to take those steps back to Him, or to allow Him to pull me back to His safe harbor.
Isn't my Daddy amazing!!!
When was the last time you took a moment to realize how different and intricate you really are. It trully is a beautiful thing my precious friend. To think there are more than a billion people on this earth and each one is different and unique. Crazy huh?
And people wonder why I love the snow soo much, now I have an even better answer.....it's drawing me back home where i belong :)
Im working two jobs and the new place is one of the hardest jobs i have ever had. But im enjoying it, most days. Then there are days like today when I just want to tell people i dont care, and there is no reason for their terrible attitude just because they can't have it their way. Im not perfect, im gonna make mistakes so back off. Why do people have to be so rude and mean anyway?
I have bitten off way to much, and now im choking down the pieces. When will I ever learn? I need a break, Im ready to go home and see my family. More than anything my time here has grown significantly lonely in the last couple of months. People are in bed when i leave in the morning and ready for bed when i get home most evenings. And if i have a spare half a day off all i want to do is relax at home and just enjoy the time i have.
I keep telling myself just three more weeks and this will all be over..... :) Something to look forward to. Im a look forward to something kind of gal. I need that. It soothes my soul, reminds me the storm wont last forever, that my Anchor is still holding.
Im afraid my Anchor is holding and the line has continued to go out and I can't seem to find where to meet it again. You know that moment when you realize you have lost something, and there is that tiny twinge of panic because you cant remember where you left it to save your life. I feel that twinge of panic daily because as hard as im trying to reach the place i walked away i can't seem to find it and im only going in circles.
How pathetic, how sad you say.......i know. How do you get so far from home and sometimes you even realize your going the wrong way and yet you feel as though you can't turn yourself around.
I think im there, in the can't get turned back around part.
No im not into anything outwardly that would make you gasp with your hand covering your mouth, but it's a heart thing. I know it, I miss my Daddy. He never moved but I can't seem to find Him. I haven't lost my way im just sorta stuck ya know.
But you know what's so amazingly incredible.....He's waiting for me. Ya know how i know....
a snowflake landed on my windshield the other day
And then there was another one, and another one, and before I knew it there were a bagillion little snowflakes covering my window.....and a single tear had formed and found it's way down from my tired eyes. They were all different. Not a single one was the same as those that had fallen before it. Every design was as intricate as though it's creator had spent countless hours perfecting it. And in that moment I looked around and realized the piles of snow were filled with tiny little snow flakes each one more precious and different than the one before it. Thats how I know He hasn't given up. Im different, im intricate, im special. And my Daddy has spent countless hours perfecting who I am to Him. Im His daughter, His baby, the one He gave everything for, the one He gave HIS life for.
He loves me, He misses me.
So please pray for me.....cause I miss Him too. I miss feeling as though He's holding my heart. Pray I would let go and allow my self to get turned back around and to take those steps back to Him, or to allow Him to pull me back to His safe harbor.
Isn't my Daddy amazing!!!
When was the last time you took a moment to realize how different and intricate you really are. It trully is a beautiful thing my precious friend. To think there are more than a billion people on this earth and each one is different and unique. Crazy huh?
And people wonder why I love the snow soo much, now I have an even better answer.....it's drawing me back home where i belong :)
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