Confessions of an observant Bride....

I see you.

You think I am just your cashier, that I am mindlessly scanning your items and bagging them like I did the person before you.

But, I see you.

I noticed when you looked around before placing your items on the belt, how you laid things on top of the item you hoped no one noticed...you hoped I wouldn't notice.

I noticed you never met my eyes, how your smile wasn't genuine. I saw the slight tremble of your hand as you handed your cash over. Cash to pay for your purchase. Cash to pay for your morning after pill.

I see you.

The dirty, and tattered clothes a size too small. I see your hair hasn't been brushed, and your nails haven't been cleaned. I  notice how you chatter non stop as though I am the first person to speak a kind word to you all day. I noticed when your guardian told you to shut up, how you shrank into the cart as though you thought you may be able to disappear. How the light dimmed a little in your eyes and you no longer wanted to chat.

I see you.

I see you when you slowly place your items in my hands and I can see your mind working quickly. You place the diapers, wipes, and baby food first knowing those are the items that are for your little ones. I see you shyly swipe your card praying no one notices you had to use "government money" to help feed your growing family. I heard you when you said you wouldn't be getting those last three food items.....I understood the real reason why. I tried to communicate with my eyes that I understood....but you refused to meet mine.

I see you.

He sees you too.

 "You always think I'm somewhere on a mountain top
But never think behind bars
You'd be amazed the places that I'd go to be with you
Where you are

So forget what you've heard
What you think that you know
There's a lot about me
That's never been told

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Rumor has it there's a gavel in my hand
I'm only here to condemn
But let me tell you secrets you would've never known
I think of you as my best friend

So much has been said
Even done in my name
But I'm showing you now
Who I really am

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Let me open your eyes to see the heart of me, differently
Come closer than you've ever been
Let me in like never before
Bring me every broken part
The wounds and scars of who you are
And hide in me and you will see

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am"
MORE THAN YOU THINK I AM
Danny Gokey

Confessions of an unsettled bride

There He was....kneeling in the garden. Alone. As He prayed, drops of blood poured from His brow and landed in the quiet of night. He knew the others had quietly slipped into a slumber. He heard nothing and yet felt everything.....everything this one decision would soon bring upon Him. "Father if you are willing, let this cup pass from me, yet not my will, but yours be done" 

In the midst of everything He knew was coming Jesus still had the heart to say "not my will, but yours be done".

Sometimes it is so hard to distinguish the plan The Lord has for your life, and other times it is staring you right in the face. As my mom would say "if it was a snake it would have bitten you".

Grant and I have been earnestly praying for weeks now that The Lord would give us direction....would open doors to allow us to move forward and close doors that would hinder that movement if it wasn't what The Lord has prepared for our family. It seems as though more and more doors are closing lately and we have been left to wonder what exactly The Lord is doing in our lives. What direction and path He has prepared for us. We have had many wise believers pour into our lives over the last few weeks, countless conversations, buckets of tears, wisdom beyond our understanding lavishly and lovingly shared in hopes to ease our troubled hearts......and still nothing. It almost seems as if The Lord is no longer listening...almost. What a mighty God we serve that even in the darkest of valleys and scariest of uncertainties, where it not only concerns you but the lives you have been blessed and entrusted with, The Lord shows His heart. 

I have no idea why The Lord has us in this place...but I do know He wants us to trust Him.

Oh....trust...how I loathe you and yet cling to you as though you were all I have left...you are all that we have left. We know The Lord promises to guide us and keep us but not knowing where or how is so so scary. 

My heart has been so unsettled lately....almost to the point of making me physically ill. I have prayed, cried, begged, and prayed some more that The Lord would help me to trust His plan even if it isn't the plan I am expecting. I don't want to miss what The Lord is doing for us and in us....even though it hurts right now, even though it is scary, even though the end result may not be quite what we had in mind. 

My prayers usually find their way in music and a song that has continually come to my heart and been sung from my lips is "Settle Me Now" by Charles Billingsley

I find myself so far ahead of you

My minds racing when I think about all I could do for you

Anticipating

What's beyond the door that leads to tomorrow 

Oh my heart is weary, and I feel so uneasy

Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment 

You've got so much to show me 

And I know, I know i need you

Settle me now- oh Lord please draw me closer

Let me feel your presence 

Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow 

Oh, settle me now

So here I am longing to know your will

And I keep praying I know you know it's hard to be still 

But my heart keeps waiting

You'd think by now I would've learned to just trust you

Oh, but I've been so busy, that's why I'm so uneasy 

So many times I have appeared to be the strong one

When deep inside I wanted to run and hide

And Lord I've always looked to you for all the answers 

But it seems today I've got a fragile faith

Settle me now-don't let me miss this moment

You've got so much to show me 

And I know, I know I need you

Settle me now-oh Lord please draw me closer 

Let me feel your presence

Reach beyond my doubt and fear somehow

Oh, settle me now

Love this! How desperately my heart needs to just settle, even in the midst of knowing the Lord will take care of us the fear of not knowing HOW threatens to overwhelm me. 

How precious to the Father is it to hear His children say "not my will Father, but yours be done".....

Please if you think of us lift us up in your prayers.....mostly for wisdom and tenderness. Wisdom that Grant would know the direction The Lord is leading, to be willing to push on cracked doors and walk away from closed ones. For our financial situation....that The Lord will bless us enough to keep us above the red until He shows us where and what to do that will be best for our family, and the most important, tenderness....to be okay with that direction even if it differs from what we have in our own minds and hearts. That we will feel the prodding of our Fathers hand leading us and that we will be sensitive to the needs of our little guys during this.....a stressed mommy has not made for the most loving mommy in certain moments. We covet your prayers and thank you for loving our little family. 

Confessions of a lame blogging bride...

Once again my dear sweet friend we meet.....after many months, and many many changes. 

As you may have noticed I truly do stink at keeping this thing updated....I try...I do, and yet somehow life seems to just get too busy.

Life is too busy for blogging, for dishes, for laundry, for painting my nails.... In fact, an exact conversation I had with my beloved this evening went a little something like this.

Me-"ugh! I didn't get anything I wanted to accomplish done today"

Him-"like what?"

Me-"my nails"

Bah! True story....and I don't even know why I was "busy".

Do you ever stop for just a second to wonder what keeps you so busy? I know sparing a second could quite possibly through your entire day into turmoil but seriously....

As a mother of two young boys I find myself saying that so often, "I'm busy".

But the truth of the matter most days, and especially lately, it's not so much a physical busy as it is another kind of busy.

I love that verse that talks about "be still and know that I am God"......KNOW...it is so much deeper than you tend to grasp when you skip over it in Sunday school "because they always say that kind of stuff".

It's a tangible, up close and personal, in your face, kind of knowing. And the only way you get there....is by being still. Physically yes, but when was the last time we allowed not only our bodies but our minds and hearts to be still? Not the cliche take a moment and just focus on what The Lord would have you do....but a stop everything, hold the phone, let me focus (girl! Get on up in that prayer closet), kind of being still! 

Confessions of a grieving bride....

It's been a while and so much has happened in what seems like mere moments....
I last posted a thankful speech, I spent time reliving that post for what seemed like hours and was in fact just a few minutes of time.
Crazy how life can change so much and so unexpectedly. I am still so overly thankful, and these days I cherish each and every moment just a little bit more.
Most already know my father passed away unexpectedly in February.
You often times hear of those gut wrenching, heart stopping, life altering moments you never want to experience and now I have one of my own. My mom took him to the hospital thinking he had the flu and he never came home. I got a call from my mom 2.5 weeks later asking me to come home. We got there on a Thursday morning and expected to stay until we got results from a biopsy the hospital had scheduled. On Friday afternoon my mom and I sat down with a doctor so he could give us an update and all I hear now is "you father has days"....all I remember is repeating over and over "days? what do you mean days? days? are you sure?" and the doctor replying with "I am off tomorrow, I will be back Sunday and I hope your father is still here".
I couldn't even cry....surely this "educated man" has no idea what he is talking about.
This is my dad, the man with the best navy stories, the man who named me, the man who sat on the very edge of his bed reading his bible for hours, who stayed up all hours of the night playing video games, who watched the Superbowl with me, who rocked his legs until it drove everyone else nuts, who could be heard snoring all the way down the street, who combed his little strips of hair over and refused to cut them off, who cracked up in the middle of his stories until he broke into a coughing spell. Surely he can't be talking about the man who watched me graduate high school, the man who walked me down the aisle, the man who held my first born son...just one time, the man who was only blessed to see my little boy on three different occasions.....this doctor, this man sitting across from me had to be wrong. And yet, I knew deep in my heart that he wasn't....I somehow knew the moment my mom called to tell me they admitted my father that the news would not be good...I never expected it to be down right devastating.
We had two short days, Thursday when I arrived and Friday when I went to visit him. Saturday morning we arrived at the hospital to find he was sedated and had to be placed on a breathing machine in the night to keep him alive. Monday afternoon he passed away.
Most say time heals all wounds but I don't think that is true, I think some are left open and tender to make you remember.
I  know the logical believer in me tries to dwell on the fact that scripture says "our life is a vapor and we are not promised tomorrow", and how true those very words are. Yet the broken heart inside me screams "though I am not promised tomorrow it is now a guarantee for my dad". How a broken heart screams against logic when it is aching and shattered.
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my father is in heaven, he is not floating around on a newly earned pair of angel wings, but he is rejoicing with the King of Kings. He has seen the Savior of the world face to face. He has been welcomed home with nail pierced hands and eyes that burn like fire.
It's so hard to think that of my siblings I was the one that left home and had such little time with him these past four years, to think he will never spend the same amount of time with my kids as he did with my nieces and nephews, he will never meet my future children and get to share his stories with them on this side of glory.
It's hard to find a balance when your heart is shattered and yet you know with absolute certainty that the person whom you loved is in a better place. I am so thankful that I have a Comforter in the Holy Spirit and that He draws near to the broken hearted.
My father was an extraordinary man and I only wish that I had more time to spend with him.  I am so thankful for the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father for restoring our relationship when I was 14 and making every moment I had with him sweeter than the last. I am so thankful he was able to see me graduate, to walk me down the aisle, and to hold my first born son.
If you knew my father...you are blessed....you may not see it that way because he could be kind of quirky...but trust me, you are blessed beyond measure.


I guess all of this was spurred on because I heard Laura Story's song "Blessings" on the way home from the store. If you know me at all you know my love for music.....how sweet the words were this evening as I sat in a parking lot and cried while my son slept soundly in the seat behind me.

                                                       "Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

                                      One out of two pics I have of my dad holding Isaiah

                                      My dad and I when I graduated from Word of Life

Confessions of a thankful bride...

Oh man how time flies! I keep meaning to get on and update my days but I have just been down right exhausted! Ya'll are just so very patient :)

Day 8:

I am thankful for family! They are crazy and hard headed and stressful but they are mine! And I love them all so so so much!! Even though growing up in my family was and still is a struggle I am thankful the Lord has blessed me with people who love me unconditionally no matter what. We have always had our ups and downs and there is more than one reason we live a little more than a few miles away but I am so grateful the Lord has given me the family that He has. Without them I would not be where I am today and I would not be the person that I am today. I miss them desperately and can't wait to see some of them soon!!! 

I am thankful for my adopted family as well......Grant's side of the clan!! Love Love Love them. I always prayed the Lord would bless me with a husband whose family made me feel as though I have always belonged and needless to say I have the best in law family EVER! (not really sure if that is the best way to put it haha but it's all i could come up with so im sure you get it). I am so thankful for their love and support and for embracing me in spite of myself :) I miss them so much and can't wait until the Lord brings us back together, and I get a brand new sister in law!! Yea :) 

Day 9:

I am thankful for friends! For Best friends! For I haven't spoken to you in 6 months but it's still just like yesterday friends! I only have a handful of these friends but they are the friends I will sit on my porch with when we are silver haired and have countless grand babies and talk about the good ol days. They are the ladies who have held me accountable through thick and thin and who have heard all the horrible stories that have shaped me into me and still love me regardless. :)

I am thankful for the new friends the Lord is allowing me to cross paths with. I have no idea how long the Lord will allow us to fellowship and grow together but I have been so blessed by the sweet time we have had already. 

And finally I am thankful for the friends who no longer carry that title. The friends that used to retain the word  "best" before it, who were always the first to know, and who i could always count on. It breaks my heart a little to remember the times we had together and the fact that you are no longer the person I once knew. I am so overly thankful for the times we shared and the memories we made. I pray for you and I pray the Lord would bring us back together but I know the Lord has carried us apart for a reason as well. I pray you make the right decisions, I pray you will continue to grow into the person I always knew you could be, I pray you never give up and more than anything I pray you know how much I miss you. 

Day 10:

Today I am thankful for rest. I know this may seem silly with the vast array of things I have to be thankful for but I knew this morning the moment I woke up that rest is what I have to be thankful for today. As a mom I have come to live off mere hours of sleep broken by the cries of my sweet or the fear he may have stopped breathing (yes even at 9 months I still fear this), and i wont even begin to mention how many times I wake in the night to refill my cup of water because my mouth has obviously forgotten how to produce saliva. 

Rest is something that I used to take for granted, heck i never even thought about it until I became a mom. If i was tired I would sleep, simple as that. Now there is always just one more thing that needs to get done before I can sit down and put my feet up, or lay down and go to sleep at night. 

I am so thankful the Lord has continually mentioned the rest we so desperately need. I am thankful He has shown us through His word just how weary we can become when we go a million miles a minute. How precious just a few moments of quiet can be and how important it is to refresh not only our spirit but our thoughts, mind, and body as well. 

PS. An extra thankful moment for today: I am thankful for 9 months with our little munchkin! Happy 9 months Isaiah!!