Confessions of a mothering bride....

So this one time I was extremely lame about keeping up with my blog....oh wait...

As you can see it's been about an eternity (okay a year but who is really counting?) since I have blogged and I blame that completely on the fact that I was growing a human, working 60 hours a week at two different stressful jobs, i birthed a human, i was completely surprised by the fact that you could love something soo tiny soooo much, my husband was graduating with a bachelor's degree, we were moving from Minnesota to North Carolina, we were setting up home, and I was being a mommy!

Well that caught ya up in about three minutes....how did i never find time to blog that before...who knows?
A few pictures of the a fore mentioned journey :)

me about to pop!

Our little womb dweller finally joined us Feb. 10 at 11:19 am at 6# 11 oz 19.5 in

We spent time with family (momma and papa Z)

We have been busy setting up home while my munchkin is growing up! (not the most recent picture)

Now onto the mothering.....
I am the girl who never realized how much she was born to be a mother until she heard the tiny "whoosh, whoosh" on the doctor's little heart beat picker upper.  Friend's tried to express to me the awesomeness of being someone's mommy but let me just say....it truly pales in comparison to the moment when you see your tiny little womb dweller for the first time looking directly into your eyes knowing he (or she) is the one you have been hosting for the last nine months. And giiirrrlll do not let me forget to mention the first time I saw my husband Grant holding Isaiah....picture this:

Arriving at the hospital Thursday evening to get induced feeling all excited and nervous, feeling some discomfort but don't we all at the end. They get me all set up and wired in and leave me for the night telling me to get some rest. Seriously... I swear these nurses have never prepared themselves for a momentous occasion such as MEETING A MINIATURE HUMAN YOU HAVE BEEN GROWING  FOR 9 MONTHS!! Anyway of course I didn't get a wink of sleep, Grant of course was snoring away on the awesome recliner haha. At about 6 am my Dr comes in and checks me, and they begin the pitocin. I start having contractions, and we occasionally lose Isaiah's heart rate (we thought it was just because i couldn't get my big self comfy). At 9:15 a nurse comes to check on me and reads the paperwork that has been tirelessly printing out since the evening before....and then she calls in another nurse....and then another. And then they tell me to sit down (I had been standing up, rocking back and forth to stay comfy), and then to lay down, and then roll to this side, oh now roll to the other side. At this point I look to Grant and realize a couple more nurses had come into the room in the midst of all the rolling and situating. All of them staring at the tiny little print out that apparently holds the secret to the universe, or maybe just the fact that my wee one wasn't doing so well. At 9:45 a nurse calls for my Dr, at 10:00 our Dr tells us there is no longer any chance of me going home or to deliver Isaiah naturally, at 10:15 after checking his heart rate they decide we need to have an emergency C-section. During all of this my emotional state has diminished to me being the massive pregnant chick crying uncontrollably. Grant only has enough time to text my mom "heart rate not good, taking baby now" and they send him to get ready for surgery. There I am bawling all alone in a room full of nurses asking where my husband is and terrified for my baby, when the Lord sends an angel....well she was really the anesthesiologist but she sat on the edge of my bed, held my hand, and explained everything to me. She never left my side the entire time. At 11:19 our little love bug joined us.
They never discovered why his heart rate had plummeted so low for so long but he was here and he was perfect. An hour in recovery and they wheeled me to my new little family, as they opened the door I promise you it was as if I was in the most romantic movie EVER! You know how the guy always shows up to some dramatic music and the girl looks over and he slowly raises his head and it just makes you melt a tiny bit? well the postpartum version looks like this: Nurse slowly opens the door as I sit there in my fancy wheelchair a mess from being drugged and stapled back together, and I look up to see the most incredibly handsome man in my universe standing there holding the tiniest little bundle I have ever seen and he looks up (or down respectively) with his eyes full of love and just smiles.....I have never been more in love than in that moment and I will never forget it.
I had to share the whole story for you to get the whole "Im so in love i ache when i think about it" effect. haha

Anyway back to the mothering:

I am pretty sure the word mother is actually a shortened term for "let me show you just how selfish you truly are and remind you of it everyday". I am learning soo much and the Lord is breaking and humbling me daily. I love it, even though it is hard.  I for some reason thought moving and having a little one would be so different and I have been sorely disappointed to discover that there are moments that are so lonely I am sure the rest of humanity has ceased to exist.
And then there are the moments that your little one is crying and one glance at you makes it all okay, the moments your little one smiles at you just because he thinks your the funniest chick in the whole world, and the moment he hears your voice and crawls straight for you, or would rather climb and play with you than all his other "cooler" toys, the moments when you go get him in the morning and he snuggles his tiny face in your shoulder and wraps his little arms around your neck, the moments when he just wants to sit on the couch next to you, when he looks up at you while he nurses or rests his little palm on your chest. Now those are the moments no one can prepare you for....
I love everything about being Isaiah's mommy!
I am the mother that has struggled with feeling adequate enough. With knowing when to feed him baby food, or to wait a little longer, with why he is spitting up everywhere even though he has medicine, why he keeps waking up in the middle of the night screaming when he used to sleep wonderfully, if he will have any sense left by the time he is one because he is already a dare devil, and a million other things that cross my mind every day.
I am the mother whose heart aches thinking about her little one growing up and leaving home one day
I am the mother who holds her tiny baby for hours while he naps just because one day I know he will no longer need one
I am the mother who holds his tiny hand because I know one day some other girl will hold his heart
I am the mother that steals a million kisses a day because I know how precious my time with him is
I am the mother that tries to sneak him into bed in the morning just for a little snuggle time
I am the mother that still looks at him and tears up because the Lord has entrusted him to me.

Me....when there are a million other women out there probably more qualified to raise a little guy...but the Lord chose me (and you if your a mommy). He has given me the second greatest responsibility (second only to loving and completing my husband) of raising a child. It boggles my mind but I pray every day that the Lord would teach me how to love Isaiah as my son (more than I already do), to give me wisdom when I don't understand his needs, give me strength when I am exhausted, give me grace when I have responded to quickly, and give me comfort when I feel as though I have reached my end. I pray for the words to say when he begins to ask questions, I pray for my actions in front of him that they would never be misguided or lead him astray, I pray for his future and his future mate.
 But more than anything I pray for his salvation, that he would come to know our Heavenly Father early and that he would grow to love and serve Him more every day. I pray that the life I lead before him will always be one that leads him to the Father.

Being a mother is so much more than anyone could ever have prepared me for.....and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love it and I cherish every moment with my boys, even the hard ones. I am so blessed the Lord has called me to be a mothering bride and I pray our Daddy continues to bless our journey as a family and my heart as a mother.

Confessions of an Expecting Bride....

As you lay back on the table waiting for the unexpected moment everything will change you hear it....whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh and all of a sudden the only thing that matters is that tiny little life growing within.

I got to experience that moment July 8, and i wouldn't change it for anything in this world. I am so blessed to have such an incredible husband who loves our Heavenly Father with all of his heart, mind, and soul and who is just as excited as I am to be on this journey together.
We are expecting our first little bundle of amazing blessedness on Feb. 13! Our little love bug :)!

I titled this blog Expecting bride because that is where im at. I have so many expectations that i feel as though im supposed to have met before the Lord would bless me with a little human to teach, and nurture, and shape after Him. I still have so much to learn and I feel as though im still a child myself. How stinking scary. Why is it that there are so many Godly women that have come before us that seldom sit us down and share with us the responsibility of being not only a Godly wife but at this moment in time a Godly mother.
How many of us sit around in those months before this tiny one joins our life agonizing over what im supposed to do or buy, or what if i drop them, or leave them in the car, or just plain have no clue what im doing. I can honestly say all of those thoughts have crossed my mind but more than any of those the one resounding question "Lord how do I show him You? "Lord what if I fail?"
Okay so that's two questions really but the bottom line is, I want our little man to love our Heavenly Father and realize just how amazing our God truly is. How do I show him that through my life? Im just his mommy, im nothing special and i mess up every single day. I fail, i say things i shouldn't, i lose my temper, and i wish that i could just plain go back and fix it sometimes.... but i can't, life doesn't work that way.
And maybe he needs to see that im not perfect, that im gonna let him down, and hurt him, and of course it will break my heart but maybe that's the perfect moment to share with him that there is One who will never let him down.
Changing gears just for a moment, i had a friend who recently blogged about the surprise she has found regarding the burden of children in the eyes of the world. I never really thought about it until recently and i see the reason for her surprise. We are at a point now that I have begun to experience some of the not so pleasant things of pregnancy: back aches, sleeplessness, and round ligament pain, but that also means we have begun to experience the awesomeness of our little one bouncing around, and he is very active! I have mentioned some of those not so pleasant moments and also some of those very pleasant moments and have been surprised to some responses "oh just wait until he's here and you don't get any sleep", "your gonna have one of those" speaking of a crying baby in the store, "do you know how expensive babies are". when did having a baby become such a burden? As far as im concerned its a blessing and a privilege. It's what the Lord called me to be and im so excited to see what new ways the Father is going to teach me. Yes it will be hard and scary and down right exhausting but I get to be part of shaping this little person for the Lord to use one day. How is that not rewarding enough?
Yes babies are expensive but the Lord has always provided and yes the thought has crossed my mind plenty of times but He has never ever let us go without. Of course im going to have a crying and upset baby some days but it's so much better than hearing people who grouch at me because they have no patience. Yes im going to be awake at night, and yes i will be tired but who are you to tell me just how horrible it is. That's a moment i get to spend with my breathing, healthy little man. To hold him for one more moment before he's to "cool" to share mommy's lap, to breathe in that clean diaper smell before he starts wearing cologne to impress the girls, to hold his hand before another lady steals his heart. How precious those late nights will be! Call me crazy but those are the moments im looking forward to the most. Uninterrupted moments to let my little one know his mommy loves him. Those days other's complain about, I want the Lord to use to shape me and show me how to teach and grow my newest man.
I dont see this new little life as a burden but as the greatest blessing!

I know it will be hard but I also know im not doing this alone. I have a Heavenly Father who has given this little one to us to care for, for as short or as long as He sees fit, I have the Godliest husband a woman could ever pray for who loves me in spite of myself, and I am surrounded by the most amazing group of people who love us and always challenge and encourage us. Im so overly BLESSED!

And for those who are already so blessed to be called "mommy"......take a moment to enjoy your little one or ones! Forget about those dishes that will still be there, ignore the load of laundry they would rather be naked anyway, laugh when they spilled their spaghetti they just learned about gravity, enjoy the small moments that make their day even though they seem to frazzle yours. Im sure it's hard, and if you know me at all you know i will need to be reminded of these things when im having a hard time because my house isn't orderly but I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to make our little ones grow up and be "adult like" because that's what society says that we wonder when we wake up one day and they really are all grown up and how did that happen. Let them be a kid and enjoy it with them, take pleasure in the fact that our Daddy has entrusted this tiny soul to you to mold and teach them about our Great Savior. It flies quickly! Just asking my bulging belly :)

Confessions of a busy bride...

Imagine your the lady in the store desperatley trying to get that associates attention, one flutters past and before you even think to get the words out they are gone in a flash of blue. "Excuuuuuussee" the words die on your lips as another scurries past too hurried to bother with the random customer blocking the overly crowded aisle.  "Do you mind helping me?" You ask another, who disappears never to be seen again promising you the desired help in just a moment. You begin to think why you ever shop here if no one cares enough to spend a moment meeting your needs, or at least pointing you in the right direction so you can meet them yourself. The truth is they are just to busy to help, or are too busy helping another, or are rushed to meet anothers needs or wants.

Sometimes life gets busy.........

To be honest i think the word busy may be an understatement

I have a pile of dirty dishes in my once empty sink, my used to be clean office space is now littered with half empty boxes full of things that go here, there, and im pretty sure over there. My laundry is multiplying and im not sure i remember the last time i washed my hair.....hmmm

Im tired and exhausted and honestly i just want a break, for my bills to be paid while i sit sipping a large mocha frappe from mcdonalds with extra whipped cream cause im sure that will solve the worlds problems, at least mine momentarily.
But in the midst of all this busy I have become desperate and searching, trying to find ways to fill those empty spaces that once seemed overflowing.
I came across a song by Royal Tailor called "Hold me together" and the chorus speaks so profoundly to where I am right now:

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart

In the midst of all this "busy" my Heavenly Father continually finds ways to "hold me together" to remind me that His love is daily reaching out for me. That He is holding my heart within His gracious loving Daddy hands and that He will get me through whatever lies ahead.
It has been amazing to me that usually when my life gets so caught up in the crazy the Lord takes a back seat however through this insane journey of mine this time around I find it so overwhelmingly sweet to know that more and more I find myself dwelling on my God, my Jesus, my Savior. That through out my days I am reminded countless times of His unfailing faithfulness and unconditional love for me in spite of myself.  I find myself yearning and asking the Lord to make me fall more in love with HIM! I love that the Lord has brought me to this point, in this moment because it trully has been the sweetest of times yet.
There are quite a few new journeys ahead of us and your prayers are desperately welcomed as we begin Grants final year here at Oak Hills and our final year here in Minnesota! This for sure will be the most growing and stretching of them yet and im soooo overly excited to see all that my Awesome Father has in store for us. I will try to write more often as I know I will have much to share in the coming months, especially with Fall right around the corner! Its my favorite time of year and the Lord always shows me new things to dwell on and share!

Dont be to busy that you forget to remember just how AWESOME our God truly is. Take a few moments to dwell on the ways He has blessed you lately. Praying for you sweet friend :)

Confessions of a bratty mind and thought renewing Bride.....

It seems amazing to me that no matter how hard you try sometimes things just dont work out. Im kind of surprised that this sort of thing amazes me but low and behold it does.

It's my day off, I got up early ready to spend the day in a joyful mood and first thing the hubsters and I have a disagreement...lasted maybe five seconds because thats the way we do things....fix it, figure it, compromise, and or understand what was "really" being said and then move on as though it was no big deal (because we all know 99.9% of the time it really is no big deal), then off to a wonderfully sweet time with a dear friend, and then super looking forward to my small group that i have been trying to get to whenever im off. I get all ready, head over there, and then waited in the car for 35 minutes and then.......nothing. No one showed! Either it was cancelled, they met some where else, or they were all inside the whole time and i was just too chicken to go knock. P.s the dog scares me so i must admit i was to chicken and didnt go check.

I was really looking forward to this time and then nothing. im so frustrated.....why do some things have to be soo stinking hard. Is it to much to ask for just a little bit of fellowship around here......I really am just.....rahhh!

And here I sit knowing I have a terrible attitude because I didnt get to fellowship with other believers.....how hypocritical of me and yet im trying to be joyful about the whole situation and all of these frustrated irritated thoughts keep coming up. The number one......Lord really? Why couldnt you just let them be there, we could have talked about You and I would have gone home feeling so light hearted and happy and praise You the rest of the day! Why did you have to go and mess up my day?

Okay can you just re-read my prayer...... It was honest and awful. I didnt even realize it until i had it out but thats how I felt. I immediately had some one on one time with my Daddy and had to ask Him to forgive me, it broke my heart to be such a bratty little girl about how my day was "ruined" because I didnt get to spend time with my small group. Why am I always that way, why is it that I can have a beautiful day and then something comes up and I let it ruin everything and then I wallow around with a woe is me attitude and infect everything. I could see it now Grant would come home and I would pout and probably try to pick some kind of petty fight and then make him feel like it was his fault just to get some pity and make me feel better.
Oh GROW UP!!! I mean really, is that the kind of woman i want to be?? The kind of wife i want to be? no way.....and yet I am. Just because things dont go my way....how selfish!

It was and is a terrible humbling experience. I have been attempting to study through Loving God with all Your Mind by Elizabeth George and amazingly enough im still on chapter one because im really trying to get it through my big fat head....but she picks out Phillipians 4:8
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
If you travel down to verse 9 at the very end of that verse Paul says something rather earth shattering to me but he says in the KJV "and the God of Peace shall be with you"
Waaa-aa-aiitt just a minute....hold the phone. The God of Peace? I dont know about you but when i am frantically obsessing because my day was "ruined" and im secretly plotting to get some attention to make my day better my mind nor my heart are at peace. What does that say about me and how I have allowed satan to have a tiny foothold into my day. It is soo very easy as you can see by my perfect example to just throw in the towel the minute things dont work out OUR way.
But we have a Gracious and oh so Loving Father who reminds us (by occasionally ripping the rug from under us so we are lying flat on our face with no where to look but up) that He still loves us and still has a plan for us and i can promise you 100% of the time that plan is better than our own.

Now that I look back I feel so silly that not even an hour ago I was trying to plot how to get back at God, my husband, and anyone else I came into contact with today just because I didnt get to spend time worshiping. I mean i chuckle just reading that because it is just so ridiculous when you think about it (actually it's so bad you dont even have to think about it and it will make you laugh).
How often do we allow a few tiny bumps in the road, or maybe mountains in the road detour us from Praising our God no matter what. I can honestly say it affects me more than I would like to admit. However once you start thinking about just how ridiculous you begin to sound you begin to see that you have strayed from thinking about the true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things and begin to dwell on the negative, deceiving, lies that we often fall prey to. We have learned the true, honest, just, pure, and lovely things, the Word tells us that, we just have to dwell on them, commit them to memory. How vitally important it is to daily renew our minds with the things of Christ. We serve a God of Peace even in the midst of storms or silly missed small group meetings we just need to remember that.
I love that the Lord can take a mere hour to change my heart and attitude in the midst of teaching me something earth shattering that will always stick with me. Man we really do serve an AWESOME God!! I guess today I didnt need the small group i just needed the lesson that came without them.
Thank You Daddy. :)

Confessions of a crying bride....

It's late.... I should be asleep because 5 am comes awfully early but here I am because the obvious decision to curl up in bed alone resulted in an out of nowhere emotional break down. (surprise!)
I need a friend, not a cookie cutter friend who would hug me and say "oh it's okay" but a real friend. I feel like it's my first day in Minnesota all over again, and its pretty much breaking my heart right now. I thought I was over this, but im not. It's supposed to be okay now but it's not.

I have rewritten a paragraph and deleted it three times now for fear that I may hurt people's feelings, either that or you would think i was insane. Maybe i just needed to cry as i got it all out. Maybe i just need to cry. Cry for what was, cry for what isn't, cry for what im desperate for, cry because i remember how things were and how i want them so badly to be again, cry because that's never gonna be, and cry because it hurts.....

Cry because i miss my Daddy, cry because i want the relationship i used to have,  and cry because im not really sure how to get it back. 

And cry because no matter how hard you try to be you will never be the friend i need..... unless you are.
but i will never know because i will never cry to you..... because you aren't here.
No one is.....as hard as i try on this night i cant think of anything else but my times at Word of Life. It will never be the same and tonight of all nights feels as though someone has punched me right in the gut with that realization and i can't get past it. Not the place..... the people. People who cared, ministry.

My head hurts....im gonna be feeling this in a few hours time i know it.
I swear im not insane, I just miss the fact that i used to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord as much as I do, who weren't afraid to call me out on something, or to question when they saw me hurting, who knew me enough to see the hurt i would never speak aloud.  here i go deleting sentences again for fear of hurting someone.... oh well i bet those people dont even read my ramblings

I should sleep, im better now....okay at least im not bawling my eyes out, that counts for something right? Blogging always makes me feel a little better, or at least puts my heart right in front of me to evaluate.

Good night

PS......I wish you were that friend, and more than anything i wish you were here